11 Things The Brain Only Does When Someone’s Lonelier Than They Want To Admit
Giama22 / Shutterstock Loneliness is one of those feelings that many people feel a bit apprehensive about discussing, despite how common it is. But while most of us might hate admitting we feel this way, even to ourselves, the brain knows exactly when we desperately need connection.
When we feel lonely, the brain tends to treat the lack of social connection as a threat. Research on loneliness and the brain has found that socially isolated people lose volume in their prefrontal cortex, the region responsible for decision-making and problem-solving. People who are lonely might start experiencing more negative thoughts and even heightened levels of anxiety. While your brain is trying to keep you safe, these patterns often make feelings of isolation more intense and persistent. But knowing why your brain is acting this way is sometimes the first step toward forming healthier patterns and habits for dealing with loneliness.
Here are 11 things the brain only does when someone's lonelier than they want to admit
1. Pain tolerance drops
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Social isolation tends to activate a person's physical pain circuits. Loneliness can sometimes end up making your nervous system a lot more sensitive. Even the smallest of aches and discomforts can feel like they hurt more than usual. Your brain is usually using the same areas to process both social and physical pain, which is why loneliness can literally make you hurt. Stress hormones can also play a big role in this process as well.
Both cortisol and adrenaline, which usually spike when you're feeling lonely, already put your body on high alert. That heightened sense is why you may feel tense all the time. Your body is just being primed to feel everything so much more intensely because of how lonely you may feel. A study even found that individuals who felt lonely a lot were 22.8% more likely to experience physical pain, 17.8% more likely to report health problems, and 29.4% more likely to experience distress compared to those who did not feel lonely a lot.
2. Sleep but never feel rested
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Research has suggested that loneliness often results in decreased sleep quality. While experts explained that loneliness "does not appear to change the total amount of sleep in individuals, but awakens them more times during the night." When you end up feeling isolated, many of those stress hormones are especially elevated at night.
That's why you sometimes wake up multiple times at night without even realizing it. Even though your brain is technically asleep, it's not getting the deep rest it needs to actually recharge. The moment a truly lonely person falls asleep, their dreams can also become restless, leaving you feeling even more drained in the morning.
3. Crave junk food more
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Sometimes when you're feeling extra lonely, you suddenly find yourself craving a bag of chips or even a pint of ice cream. When you're missing that social connection, your brain tends to want comfort in other things. A study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience found that the same area in the human brain is activated when we feel lonely or hungry.
As a result, people crave social interaction in the same way they crave food when hungry. It's pretty much your brain's way of trying to replace missing dopamine with something else it can actually control. When your brain is already preoccupied with feelings of isolation, sometimes it can mistake the emotional emptiness for physical hunger.
4. Replay old conversations obsessively
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Sometimes, when loneliness is at an all-time high, you may suddenly start going over conversations for days or even weeks. Your mind treats every past interaction as if it's still happening. Even if nothing bad actually happened, your mind is still running the scenario to try to make sense of it. Experts explained that emotionally charged conversations are usually stored more deeply than neutral ones.
Meaning your stress hormones strengthen these memories, making them easier to recall. You may be sitting and suddenly thinking about all of the other ways that things could have gone in a conversation. Suddenly, that moment starts to feel more significant than it really was.
5. Make small rejections feel catastrophic
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When your brain is in overdrive, any minor disappointment can turn into a whole, dramatic affair. Feeling lonely often means that your mind is interpreting any hint of rejection as a threat. The things that other people might just shrug off suddenly feel like a much bigger deal. Loneliness often just has a way of amplifying rejection even more.
When you feel isolated, your brain just becomes extra sensitive to things not working out in your favor. Research has even found that momentary loneliness and perceived rejection were reciprocally associated across time. Your brain is just holding onto these moments of rejection, replaying them over and over again as if they were a huge failure.
6. Convince you that you prefer being alone
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Sometimes when you're feeling lonely, your brain has a way of making it seem like you already enjoy being alone, even if deep down you know that's not true. It becomes a defense mechanism to protect yourself against possibly facing social rejection. Pretending that you're fine and actually enjoy solitude makes it feel less painful when plans eventually fall through, or people end up drifting away.
This means you might suddenly avoid reaching out or even accepting invitations from people because your brain has already prepared an excuse. You find it hard to believe that people genuinely like you and want to spend time with you. Even if you're keeping yourself stuck, being alone feels like self-preservation in the moment.
7. Over-explain you to yourself in your head
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When you're feeling lonely, your mind sometimes makes you hyper-aware of any potential judgment. This often means that even the smallest of comments can send you spiraling into moments of critiquing yourself.
Because your brain is craving validation, which it isn't getting, it will just fill in the gaps by itself. While it's just your brain attempting to protect you, it often leaves you feeling even more anxious and insecure than you were feeling before. You start to feel even more lonely because you don't think you can actually be yourself around people.
8. Project your bad mood onto others
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Loneliness has a way of causing your mind to feel negative emotions more intensely. Instead of being able to sit with those feelings, your brain makes it seem like it's someone else's fault. This happens because your brain wants to make sense of why you're feeling all of this discomfort. It's trying to find a cause for all of this weight.
Without the support of people in your corner, you might start to feel defensive or withdraw. But that only makes feelings of isolation so much stronger. When people eventually respond to your projects with confusion or leave completely, it then just reinforces this idea that you're alone, and that loneliness starts to feel worse and you end up feeling guilty.
9. Find comfort in routine
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Having a routine can give your mind a sense of stability even when it can't rely on socializing with other people. When you're isolated, the feeling of uncertainty can be a lot stronger. It's why your brain thrives on living in a routine, because it's the same time after time.
When your social life is nonexistent, your brain wants those familiar patterns. They become a way to soothe the anxiety and sadness that loneliness tends to bring. Human connection might not always be available, but at least you know you can depend on your usual coffee order and being able to watch the comfort show you love before going to bed.
10. Hold grudges longer
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Normally, when you're not feeling lonely, your brain is able to move on from a situation more easily. But when you're feeling isolated, every negative interaction just gets more heightened. Your mind treats any small misunderstanding as a bigger risk than it really is.
You find yourself replaying the incident and analyzing every single detail. But the longer that you hold onto a grudge, the lonelier you'll end up feeling. Every unresolved problem suddenly becomes the reason why you can't connect with other people, at least that's how your mind categorizes it. Because of that, it can even make it harder to connect with new people.
11. Increased daydreaming
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The mental vacations that your brain tends to take you on when you're feeling incredibly lonely can sometimes feel relaxing. Your mind is craving some kind of connection or excitement, and when reality isn't giving it, it will just create its own. A study published in the journal Nature Communications found that lonely people were more likely to have increased activity in areas of the brain tied to reminiscing, thinking about others, and future planning.
These imagined moments that the brain creates can almost feel as real as actual experiences. It allows your brain to have the dopamine hit that it would've gotten from spending time with people. That constant mental escape can sometimes make the real world feel duller in comparison, especially if you're relying on these imagined scenarios more than actually going out there and making them happen.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
