How To Fix An Unfixable Relationship (Before It's Too Late)
There's a new way to reset your romance that doesn't involve leaving the love of your life.
Lia Koltyrina / Shutterstock Relationships start wonderfully. Attraction turns to infatuation, and infatuation turns to love. We feel the connection, act on it, and include them in our day-to-day lives. We’ve been looking for a “great relationship” and have found one.
But as the months and years go by, the infatuation that once attracted us can start to wane. Complacency rears its ugly head, and disconnection starts. But most of the time, we are unaware of how things are changing until it’s too late, and we are left unable to learn how to fix a broken relationship.
Disconnection often starts slowly and unveils itself in small increments, nearly imperceptible when added to the chaos of life: commutes, housework, careers, kids, and responsibilities ad nauseam. Priorities shift, tension rises, and patience dwindles.
The result ranges from mild annoyance to complete contempt, where you look across the breakfast table at your partner and think to yourself, “Wow. Is this it? Is this what ‘marriage’ is supposed to be? How did we get here?”
For many, it serves as a wake-up call. You see that things aren’t right, and you want to change. You want your partner to change. You want your relationship to be great again. But how? Where do you even start?
A new and innovative approach to relationship counseling has appeared on the scene over the past couple of years: Switch Therapy. Switch Therapy — showcased on FYI’s smash-hit docu-drama Seven Year Switch — removes the patterns by removing the people from their emotionally damaged situations and instead partners them with someone else going through similar situations issues.
Learning to fix a broken relationship and rejuvenate your partnership can feel daunting. Still, even if you can’t connect with a therapist or counselor who offers Switch Therapy as a mechanism to rebuild your relationship, there are many things you can do to start the process of reconnection.
Here are 5 things to do that will help fix an unfixable relationship — before it's too late:
1. Start over
You can’t “go back” to a relationship that is disconnected. It will only lead you to the same place of disconnection. You have to start over and build something new.
2. Get honest
With them, with yourself, and with the state of your relationship. You can’t change things if you don’t look at them objectively and honestly. You must get real about what’s happening — for you and your relationship.
You have to accept the truth that the two of you are starting to drift/grow apart so you can begin the process of course correction. And being honest can be scary, as you must be vulnerable and willing to look at things objectively.
3. Talk about it
Too often, couples stuck in a rut look at the other person as the problem. They don’t invest anymore. They don’t do what I want. They aren’t passionate/loving/affectionate. If the conversation starts with “You” statements (i.e., “You don’t pay attention to me.”), it will create an adversarial discussion that is rooted in defensiveness.
The result will be two people defending themselves instead of listening with empathy. Instead, discuss how you feel with statements that reflect you, not them.
Example: Instead of “You don’t spend any time with me anymore,” say, “I feel like I don’t matter to you,” or “I feel ignored by you.” This allows them to hear your view/feelings and then discuss why you might feel that way and how they are potentially contributing to it. As the two of you examine the situation, work to accept their point of view as their truth, even if you disagree with them.
4. Get tactical
Discussion is great, but it takes action to shift things. One of the couples' biggest issues is time — or a lack thereof. Commutes, jobs, housework, kids, hobbies, finances — everything is part of how couples disconnect.
Things are deemed “necessary” or “more important,” so the marriage/relationship is looked at as the thing they “will get to later when there’s time.” But that time often doesn’t come until it’s too late.
Make your relationship a priority, and the rest of things will fall into place. Planning time together is critical. But more importantly, a disconnected couple looking to reconnect needs to get back to the things that connected them in the first place.
Call them in the middle of the day for no reason to say hello. Leave them a note in their coat pocket. Show your kids that mom-and-dad time is as important as family time, and then go on a date without the kids in tow. Kiss them goodnight instead of just saying it. The little things and behaviors will always go further than big gifts.
5. Get vulnerable
One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is allowing them to see you emotionally stripped down. When fear and disconnection are present, allowing them " in is nearly impossible.” You fear being judged. You “know what they are going to say.” You resent them for [insert reason here].
To break this pattern, you must get to a place where you go all in. You have to reset things and get to a place where you put your effort in and let the past go.
If you want to stay connected and avoid the need for something as radical and drastic as Switch Therapy — where you risk your marriage to save it — you must remember relationships and marriages are made up of two individuals. Those individuals will always be learning, growing, and adding to their experiences as individuals and as a couple.
Wake up each morning not knowing them and, instead, discover them each day. If you do, you will stay connected. If you don’t, you might end up on Seven Year Switch looking for answers.
Charles J. Orlando is a bestselling author and relationship/interpersonal relations expert who has spent the last 10+ years connecting with thousands of people.