A Brutal, Unfiltered Look At The First Year Of Marriage

It's not all roses and candle light … and we like it that way.

couples in wedding dress Dimitri Kuliuk / Pexels
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Marriage today is not necessarily like the pretty version painted in classic TV sitcoms with the goofy, but well-meaning husband and his disapproving, but fiercely loyal wife.

Sometimes, marriage is about teaming up to scare children, accidentally getting your spouse fired, name-calling in public, plotting revenge on a common enemy, and fearing your menstrual wife so badly, you crap your pants. But at the end of the day, you still love each other deeply.

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Newlyweds Alice and Joe from their former blog 1styearofmarriage describe that very union in this hilarious interview.

RELATED: 3 Rules To Have In Your Marriage That Just Make Life Better

ALICE:  What were your marriage expectations?  And what's your reality?

Joe: I thought we'd travel the world and have insane sex on horseback while riding through waterfalls. We'd have discussions deep into the night while sipping vintage champagne in front of a chateau fireplace. Reality is, most nights we're too tired to have sex, and we eat cereal for dinner…

Alice: Come on, man, Puffins are GOOD!

Joe: …then I fall asleep on the couch while watching re-runs of Dance Moms.

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Alice: So you're finally admitting you watch Dance Moms?

Pause.

Joe: I'm familiar with it.

Alice:  That's an understatement. Nobody but a super-fan would ask his wife if she wants to see his 'best Abby Lee Miller impression'. 

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Joe: Don't be a Cathy from Candy Apples.

ALICE:  Have I ever disappointed you since getting married?  If so, when?

Joe: Yes. When you pooped on our bathmat.

Alice: It was the colonic!  I couldn't help it!

Joe: I told you not to get one.

Alice: I did it so I could feel trim and sexy! For my husband!

Joe: How'd that work out for you?

Pause. 

Alice  Be honest, did you think about getting a new wife after that?

Joe: No, but I did think about putting newspapers down before going to work.

RELATED: Shaken, Not Stirred: 5 Signs Your Marriage May Be On The Rocks

JOE:  Same question. Has there been a time when I've disappointed you since we got married?

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Alice: I guess it's a tie between—

Joe: Me farting in that Thai lady's face when she was giving me a massage?

Alice: No…I didn't even know about that. Jesus, Joe!

Joe: Oh…

Alice: I was going to say you throwing up into your bowl of chili in front of my family…

Joe: I'm sorry! I love your grandma's chili, but as soon I put it in my mouth, I thought of Walking Dead and gagged. What was the other one?

Alice:  My mom overhearing you explaining why she reminds you of a raptor.

Joe: That didn't hap— No, wait, that did happen! I didn't forget!

Alice: Neither did my mom.

JOE: We were together five years before tying the knot. Does our relationship feel different now?

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Alice: There's a feeling of permanence. I now realize that I have to stand by you no matter how many times you pick your nose in public.

Joe: How dare you. For me, it pretty much feels the same as before, only I lose half my stuff if we break up.

RELATED: Do Not Marry Someone Until You Can Honestly Answer These 20 Qs

Alice: I get $500 and a 2001 Camry?!

Joe: Listen, I would get a half-interest in some white jeans and a pasta necklace. So, you're still ahead.

Alice: You love my pasta necklace.

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JOE: Anything really surprise you about being married?

Alice: I didn't realize there would be so much bathroom talk. When we weren't married, we wouldn't pee with the door open. Now, I get a Google alert anytime you're having a bowel movement.

Joe: To be fair, you did subscribe to those.

Alice: Uh-huh…

Joe: In all seriousness, I have one more question for you.

Alice: Go ahead.

Joe: Who would you say I remind you more of?  Indiana Jones or an Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Alice: Is Tintin a choice?

Joe: He's a brilliant reporter, and he's only a teenager. So I take that as a compliment.

RELATED: 12 Things Marriage Is (And 12 Things It Definitely Isn't)

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Alice Ruth Dower is a former blogger with her husband Jack. They write about the ups and downs of marriage, and how to make each other better.