What is it that men really like in bed? Contrary to popular belief, it's not all lap dances and strip teases. It's also about being confident in your sexuality as a woman and reintroducing an element of surprise into your sex life. For more specifics, we turned to YourTango Experts Adam Gilad and Dr. John Beiter, who gave us a candid glimpse inside the male mind.
Part 1: Four Steps To Being Utterly Irresistible In Bed
Written by Adam Gilad
Perfectionism is the death knell of the erotic. I mean, who really wants to climb into bed with "right" and "wrong" — those schoolmarmish tyrants of the sexual world?
Sex is neither a test, nor is it bookkeeping. It is play; it is a dance; it is a creative recipe with which you continually experiment. It is the opportunity to spin an exquisite physical confection out of what you two are outside the bedroom.
So rather than grade yourself on technique and wonder, "Should I put this leg here, that finger there, hoist this body part over that body part?" begin by asking, "What opens my man's heart outside the bedroom?" Carry those ingredients into the bedroom.
If you want to create the kind of sex that bonds you deeply, pleases your bodies and warms your spirits to each other, then consider this three-step process — the delicious details of which are in my program, How To Make Your Man Your Dream Lover.
Begin With Acceptance
Many men secretly carry shame — real and imagined — of being inadequate, of "losing" in dozens of ways, of failing in competitions. You, as the woman, have the unique opportunity to be the soothing harbor in his rough seas. So accept him as he is. Bathe him in acceptance.
Tell him — through your words, your eyes and your hands as you caress and hold him — just how much you love him. "I love you." "I think you are perfect." "I love the things you do for me." "I am so grateful you are in my life." "I love your body." Do this without any qualification and without too much detail so his attention doesn't get fixated — so that shame cannot enter.
Blend In Invitation
Men generally don't want to be told what to do — especially by their partners. But we love being invited to be your hero — sexual and otherwise. And most men feel more worthy in being the giver than the receiver. So many men in my community of 50,000 tell me that pleasing their women is what turns them on the most.
So invite him to please you. Again, not only with your words, but with the language of your beautiful body — your writhing and moans and sighs and shudders.
And I invite you to exaggerate your pleasures so that he can feel what is opening your body and heart (notice I don't say, "what he's doing 'right;" remember, no schoolmarms in bed).
I had a longtime lover who did just the opposite; rather than inviting me to open her, she angrily criticized any "false move" I made as not merely wrong, but proof that I didn't love her because I couldn't intuit what she wanted. It was like playing that old board game Operation (Bzzz! You touched the wrong part). I would leave the bedroom feeling as if I were (if you'll excuse the pun) a bush league player.
No surprise here: I eventually I traded myself to another team.
Finally, Garnish Generously With Reward
I have a secret formula for women that works for dating, marriage and sex. It's sort of the 'source code' for men's inner world. And it is this: Acknowledge and reward a man more deeply into his virtues.
Men are Pavlov's gender; they are easily trainable by conditioned response. In this case, as will be often for you, his "virtues" are basically what you want him to do. When he does something you love, let him clearly know, then instantly reward him (primarily, physically) and also with your sweet or ravenous words. Do this and he will far more likely do that thing again — and feel like a hero for getting it “right."
Release: The Decadent Dessert
One final guideline: Men feel worthy for doing things. We kill bugs. We provide. We fix the plumbing. You can offer your man release from his "doing state" by telling him clearly, "Okay, now just lie back, honey. This one's on me. You don't have to do anything at all."
Then please him, checking in for guidance as you go along, and making sure he keeps his hands to his sides. Have him practicing receiving your love. It is a deep and altering gift. And if he is a good man, this will fuel his desire to please you in all ways.
Pleasing your man in bed begins with making him feel not only like a man, but like "the man": the one who is accepted, competent, appreciated and rewarded. Keep reading ...
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Learn more about the Liberating Side of Being Together:
- How To Introduce Something New In Bed
- 3 Simple Steps To Sharing & Exploring Fantasies
- Redefining Foreplay: Turn Each Other On Outside The Bedroom