If you're tempted to start having sex again with your ex after a breakup, here's how to get over it.
If you've ever woken up the day after New Year's Eve with a chocolate hangover and your ex in bed next to you, you just might have a case of "retrosexualitis." This means that when the going gets tough in the dating scene, you get weak for your ex. If "Oops, I Did It Again" was looping through your pounding head, there's no doubt you're a man recycler.
But you can't just blame it on the excessive chocolate consumption and champagne flowing. These are the primary causes for "retrosexualitis":
1. Loneliness. The all-alone blues is a big motivator for a retrosexual to dial up an ex. She's looking to fill a void that's easily filled with a few compliments, a little sex, and maybe even some breakfast in the morning.
2. Laziness. To get all gussied up and go man-shopping for a new guy (or Facebook message last year’s man who will take you unshowered and rockin' sweats is due to retrosexuals opting for the easy way, whether it's genuine or not.
3. Regret. Retrosexuals manipulate their old memories or second-guess their judgment of them, thinking maybe they didn't give their ex a fair chance, and trying to rationalize that he may have been "the one." All of a sudden, things that were deal-breakers become justified.
4. Horniness. When a battery operated BFF isn't cutting it anymore and she doesn't want to dip into unchartered sexual territories, retrosexuals text an ex for guaranteed bedroom pleasure.
Retrosexualizing makes us sick because it almost never works. Count how many times a movie's sequel was better than the original. I'll wait. OK, I'm still waiting. Right, that's what I thought. It never happens. On a rare occasion the sequel is as good, but who wants an as good second go-around with a crappy ex?
Now, I'm not saying that a great round two of a relationship is impossible, because it does happen. But an effective second time doesn't emerge out of a desperate relapse.
The only way an old, unhealthy relationship can blossom into a new, healthy one is if both members examine why it fell apart and go into the new one with open eyes, committed to treating it differently in the sequel version.
Typically, retrosexualizing cases emerge from one of the above causes which all scream some measure of desperation — not exactly a solid foundation for a relationship. During the second cycle, all too often we're depleted of good energy because we inject the relationship with renewed, but heavy-weighted enthusiasm, hoping that this time things will be different, that he will be different.
But mostly, we wind up disappointed. And worse, our energy tanks aren't filled with the surprise and delight that comes with new like and love, new discoveries, and new learnings of self. After the initial trip down memory lane wears off, it just becomes a lot of the same ol', same ol'.
But don't worry. There is a cure for retrosexualitis, and that is to eliminate your poisoned past and focus on your bright future. Here's your prescription:
1. Detach by de-teching him.
Minimize the opportunity to indulge temptation by erasing all traces of your ex's contact info in your phone, on Facebook, IM, Twitter, etc. Delete, delete, delete!
2. Create an "upcycle" list.
Instead of trying to recycling what's broken (your old relationship), write down all the things you loved and loathed about your ex. If you’ve erased all memories, tap into all your besties to whom you bitched to about said guy. They'll be happy to help. Cross out the loathe side and upcycle those things with things you would rather have (i.e., replace average sex with great sex) in a relationship.
3. Get ready to date other people again.
Put together a slew of fabulous new date outfit combinations. Play loud music and get re-energized to re-enter the dating playground. Invite a few girlfriends over that you assign to be your intervention team — the BFFs that won't allow you to relationship rewind — to join in the fun.
4. Date 'til you drop.
Get off your lazy ass, go flirt your beautiful booty off in your hot new digs, and fill up your plate with new men. Look for guys who have the qualities on your revised list. Use the learnings from your ex to get to the next.