What happens when you find out that though you've given your all to someone, he doesn't return the commitment? You'll be rightfully angry, frustrated and even vengeful. You probably feel like you're living in a nightmare and that things can't possibly be as they seem. You catch yourself thinking, "I should have known something, right? I was in a monogamous relationship! He was the only person I was with. Weren't we committed?"
Wrong. Just because you've decided that this relationship is worthy of a monogamous commitment, itdoesn't mean that your partner agrees. The excitement and intimacy of the relationship often leads us to believe we see things that might not really be there. We perceive time spent at together at the movies, over dinner, at the pool hall or museums, and nights filled with passionate love-making as the ultimate relationship builders. Even sexy text messages and sweet "I love you's" begin to build a foundation for a beautiful liaison over the long haul.
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But you've got to be patient. Taking the initiative to be in a committed and monogamous relationship is not a decision that's made by just one person in a relationship — it has to be mutual. And I'm here to tell you that until a man explicitly lets you know that it's all about you and him only… it's probably not!
I know, this sounds awful. It threatens to ruin the wonderful dream that every little girl has had about finding her Prince Charming and how they'd live happily ever after. But the fact is, this fantasy doesn't keep your heart from being broken (or at least, doesn't give you a fair warning).
A confident, self-assured man won't be rushed into any type or style of relationship just because you want it. If he does commit against his will, he will probably not be concerned about being faithful. He will do that when he is absolutely ready; of that you can be sure. His pride alone is enough to make him take a stand against being bullied into the commitment label, and if you throw in peer pressure, you can forget it. He's done!
So, what can you do if you're in the ambiguous stage?
1. Protect your physical and sexual health. Use condoms and remove yourself from any relationship that puts your health in danger. Be certain to talk to each other about each other's sexual history and health; that's a topic that should never be off limits, no matter how exclusive or not you are.
2. Don't wear blinders. Really try to see the man as he truly is (not how you want him to be).
3. Have realistic standards for who you let into your life. Don't accept just any old behavior. If you do, you'll get only a portion of what you deserve.
4. Don't expect more than a man can possibly give you. Your lovable bus driver probably can't buy you a $20,000 engagement ring. But maybe he can give you a great deal of emotional support and care.
5. Talk it out honestly and openly. You want to realistically discuss the expectations you have of him, and genuinely listen to what he expects from you. Be honest with each other about whether you can meet each other's needs.
6. Believe in what he says - and does. You should trust his word, but if he constantly disappoints or can't keep his promises, believe who he presents, not what he says.
Finally, if you find that the relationship's not working, have the courage to walk away.
The truth is, that unless you let the relationship develop authentically, you will be rushing into something that might not even be right for you. Let the relationship be, enjoy the time shared and have patience. When you wait for these things you can both be monogamous and committed together!
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