Why Katie Holmes Secretly Filed For Divorce

News Flash: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are divorcing. Many stories have indicated that Katie filed the divorce papers secretly, and Tom was blindsided with the news. Many people are asking why. While I don't know Katie and her reasons for using this tactic, I have talked to many women over the years and have witnessed multiple reasons to be secretive and careful when considering divorce. 10 Things For Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes To Consider

Please understand that most coupleships can be helped by counseling. This article is for those who have seriously tried counseling, and the relationship has become more unsafe. Listed are six reasons why one partner may need to keep quiet when planning for divorce:

1. Power. Your partner may be able to hurt you in multiple ways. Physically, a partner may be bigger than you and able to literally push, punch, break or kill you. Emotionally, a partner may attack your self-esteem until you have nothing left. Many partners are left wondering, "Who am I?" and are brainwashed to believe they have no value, except while in a relationship to this powerful person.

Financially, money is also power in our culture. Tom Cruise is reported to be worth $175 million, which is quite a bit of power. Spiritually, a partner may bring a sense of menace to your home, and derail your connection to your higher power.

2. Control. Your partner may be so insecure that he/she must maintain a sense of control to feel okay. Often times, this control is exerted only over you, and other people don't seem to see it. This may be the case with Katie and Tom. 

You also may feel like you have no viable options and that you are walking on egg shells; at any moment, your partner can exert his/her control over you. One tactic often used is to isolate you from your friends and family. The controlling person wants you to attend to only them.

More divorce advice from YourTango:

• How Do I Know I'm Ready To Start Dating After A Divorce?
• The Real Reason Facebook Causes One-Third Of Divorces
• Will Men Date Divorced Women?

3. Manipulation. Your partner is able to talk in such a way that he/she always gets what they want. Your wishes and desires are not important and may be negated or attacked as threats to the manipulative person's ego. Manipulators are able to get you to question your own reality and buy into their reality.

Scientology is a reality for those who practice it, however, there are many people whose reality is not Scientology, as may be the case for Katie Holmes. This can happen over many years. I have counseled many women who have been manipulated for 20-30 years, and have a hard time even seeing how they have been manipulated.

4. Narcissism. Your partner may suffer from the inability to see another's point of view. If you have ever said, "The world revolves around (insert your partners name)", you may be dealing with someone who has difficulty with empathy. Many people with narcissistic traits suffer from fragile egos which can be treated with counseling.

Watch out for the socialized sociopath; these people are like a "lion in sheep's clothing." They appear tame and charming to draw you in, but you will be attacked over time by being the object of their rage. The more violent the rage, the more likely that there'll be severe consequences for you. You may be feeling unsafe.

5. Protecting Yourself. Develop a plan to address how you are going to live before, during and after the divorce. Pay attention to your feelings. Take action to care for yourself emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. Seek help from trusted friends and family. 

When you talk to your spouse and you come away feeling worse than before, you may need to set some boundaries for your physical and emotional safety. Be careful though: sometimes setting boundaries will make it worse for you.

6. Protecting Children. For Katie, it has been speculated she does not want Suri to be indoctrinated into Scientology. For you, it may be that your child is in danger physically or emotionally from your spouse or people around your spouse. There are many reasons to protect your kids. Put The Kids First: 6 Ways To Tell Them You're Divorcing

Get professional help to navigate any planning of your divorce. There are many ways you can plan for your safety, and a professional counselor can help you. Most relationships can be helped with professional couples counseling.

The exception to this is if you are in a relationship with emotional and/or physical safety issues, then counseling will make it worse for you. If you find yourself the recipient of more and more rage by your partner when in couples counseling, be sure to tell your counselor privately what you are experiencing outside of their office. They can help you plan your next steps, or refer you to someone who can. How To Get A Good Divorce

The author is Teresa Maples MS. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Washington State. I specialize in treating family members who are dealing with sexual addiction or affairs. You can connect with me at Journey to Abundant Life.