Whenever a woman goes missing, public criticism of the woman begins. People say she should have know better, or that she should not have been in such a place alone, or left alone, or left with a man she didn't know. We criticize that she misjudged or trusted too soon, and act as if we would never have made such a bad mistake ourselves, and that may very well be true, because women who are targeted by dangerous men tend to have certain qualities that make them stand out in comparison to other women, and they are easier targets for dangerous and criminal-minded men. Divorce Usually Isn't A Surprise
When 23 year old soldier PFC Kelli Bordeaux, of Fayetteville NC, disappeared from a bar with a registered sex offender approximately two weeks ago, we felt a little dirty to think she trusted such a sleazy man, and many are quick to judge. Some have responded to her disappearance in a cold and uncaring manner.
We expect women to think wisely and to act on the idea that men need to be feared until you know them, but that is unrealistic. We have to stop blaming women for their demise when they are targeted and harmed by dangerous men. 5 First-Date Turn-Offs From Men
We can't forget that the creepy criminal was most likely ultra charming, flattering, and seeming like a nice, normal guy; the problem isn't that she trusted him, the problem is that she trusted herself to be able to spot a potentially dangerous man. Like most women, Bordeaux was probably never educated about the typical traits and responses that get victims noticed and targeted by dangerous men.
Instead, we set women up to look for red flags but this doesn't work and the red flags are more subtle than we are told. Looking for red flags forces women to focus on the man and gets her looking for more evidence, especially if she is highly empathic, because she won't want to judge him unfairly too early.
Instead, she will want to give him a chance. Red flags are not where women are going to gain their awareness about dangerous men, in fact, that strategy is outdated and dangerous, as it gets some women sucked in faster. Why Women Lose Money Power & How To Get It Back
The woman's reaction to a dangerous man's words and actions are what get her noticed. Bordeaux represents many women who have done the very thing she did — leave a place with a man they don't know. I see it all the time; they trust themselves to be able to spot a dangerous man when they aren't even looking in the right place for the warning signs.
If the guy doesn't reveal an obvious red flag, women think they are good to go, but dangerous men wear invisible masks so women can't rely on red flags, it's a mistake. Dangerous men don't always walk around looking like or acting like the sleazy, dangerous men they are, or else there would be no victims. They are pro manipulators who disguise themselves with charm and appeal. They are very smooth and often attractive and successful. They will set up conversation to see if they are in front of a woman who will comply, or who feels bad easily.
Blaming a woman for becoming a victim is cold and out of step with intelligence; the time has come for better education for young women so they will become more self-aware, self-focused, trait-conscious, and safe. Christie Brinkley Shines While Protecting Herself
More love advice from YourTango: