Failed breakups happen when we oversimplify the process of ending it and underestimate recovery time
WHY is it that the old flame always looks more appealing after we leave? Why can’t we just get over him and move on?
Oversimplifying the idea of leaving and underestimating the “recovery” time it takes is what sets us up for a likely return~that is, a failed breakup. By expecting that all we have to do is give it time, start a new routine, or get a hobby, we automatically end up feeling lonely because those fillers don’t address the bigger issue.
When breakups happen, we retreat emotionally and compare our relationship goals to our relationship history. A breakup forces us to see that we aren’t as close to the life we thought we were creating; put age or baby issues into the equation and we start using breakups as negotiating tools to get what we want from men who are wrong for us.
Other people like when we go backwards because it looks like real love then, but it’s a scam. We caved to fear. It isn’t him we missed, it’s that what we were aiming for looked even further away, and we panicked. Fear drives you backwards~to the past, to your ex, to what you already know doesn't work.
When you equate feeling lonely with missing him, you are heading in the wrong direction. You aren’t necessarily missing him, you are likely mourning the expectations of the life that was supposed to come with him. Loneliness is another prime logic for getting sucked back in to your old relationship.
Once you start picturing your ex with another woman, the breakup is doomed, but not because you feel jealous. You imagine that when he loses you, he will finally get it, finally see how much pain he has caused you, and then he will step up. When he doesn’t, you imagine him with another woman doing all those things you wanted him to do for you~with her. You find yourself mumbling, “Screw her, not on my watch...” and suddenly, you are competitive with an imaginary woman. You were the one who trained him, right? Why should some other women come along and enjoy that man you crafted all those years? She will get all the good stuff but you did all the work, no way. Wanting to win will suck you back in.
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This is where women get really creative in convincing themselves that it is okay to step back in just a little. Nope. It isn’t okay. You can’t be a little involved with an ex; it’s all or nothing. If you go back, you are stuck again and it will end again, then you’ll just have to start all the break up stuff all over. Stay the course and stay strong; going back to an ex may get you closer to the finish line (marriage/house/kids), but you’ll be further from the goal (happiness/connection/intact family).
Here are 3 Rules to help you stay away from him:
1. NO contact. Yep, this one’s hard, especially if you dropped a few stress pounds, or got yourself a new hairdo and look smashing. I didn’t say you couldn’t walk past him, I just said you can’t have contact! That means, you don’t initiate it in any way and you don’t respond to it in any way. This is when everyone learns if you are really serious about that breakup or not. If you allow contact, well, we know what happens from there now, don’t we? If you said it’s over and you meant it, prove it. NO contact.
2. Pull up a bad memory. Don’t just think about one and brush it off, dig deep...remember how he made you feel when he did that thing? Get pissed off about it again. It will probably get you ranting mad about the other reasons why you dropped him like a fly, which will help you stay away.
3. Chant your Deal Breakers (in your head, please). Figure out the top three things you want from a relationship. I’m assuming he didn’t have one or more of these, or you wouldn’t be reading this, so, if he is missing even one of these, he is toast. No questions asked, no trading one quality for another-which means, no, you can’t do without loyalty because he has six-pack abs or is good in bed. You are not allowed to negotiate with yourself on these! From now on, as soon as you notice one of your deal breaker set missing, it’s over.