When I was married, I found myself fantasizing about other hot men I was meeting. There were a few super men that really seemed to catch my eye right after I was married. My first thought was, "How come when I was single and looking, I couldn't seem to find exactly what I was looking for and now that I am married, they are popping up all over the place?" It was driving me a bit crazy.
I married a wonderful guy who I felt an incredible connection with and he was very charismatic, so he swept me away with his charm the first night we met. The truth is that I was still finding myself attracted to other men and I couldn't control it (and I actually didn't want to make it go away either). Yet, at the same time, I was feeling a lot of guilt and shame around these feelings because I noticed I was daydreaming about them a lot and I was creating scenarios in my head about what the sex would be like with these other men! I had dated a few other men prior to meeting my husband and I knew that each lover I had experienced had a different style of lovemaking, so my curiosity got the best of me when I was experiencing sexual fantasies about these other men.
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I was feeling afraid that I was committing infidelity just by fantasizing! I was always taught "till death do you part" and so I wasn't really understanding how I could truly be in love with my husband and still desire other men. My desire for these other men was purely sexual! I didn't want another relationship, I was just fantasizing about the sex and honestly thinking to myself, "I wonder what he would be like in bed?" Is he gentle, rough, playful, caring? Will he look into my eyes or not? Does he like to go slow or does he rush? There were all kinds of things I would think about!
I didn't have a great sexual education or much experience with talking about sex with anyone other than a few light conversations with my girlfriends. I sure wasn't about to approach the subject with my husband because I was feeling so guilty about it. Who was I to even remotely understand infidelity? I didn't recall anyone teaching me about the rules on being faithful and how to approach the topic of a sexual fantasy. So I actually forced myself to suppress my fantasies about being with someone else who I was not in love with. I was trying hard to remain faithful to my husband and to continue to show my love towards him.
Anytime I noticed myself paying too much attention to another man, I forced myself to walk away and hoped they didn't notice that I was attracted to them. This went on all throughout my marriage. Unfortunately, our relationship only lasted for 13 years and when I started dating again, I still had the same old belief that I had to remain faithful (even in my head) to who I was involved with.
After a few years of being in the dating scene though, I started to develop a different attitude and I realized that love and sex were two different things. I came to believe that I could love my partner, have wonderful sex with him and still desire other men! This actually felt healthy and it felt sexy to gently flirt with others. I felt more alive and desired. It kept me feeling authentic and true to myself. I wasn't being unfaithful or worrying about infidelity, I was just being real and honest about what was happening in my mind. I was learning how to accept myself without judgment.
In fact, sharing my fantasy about having sex with other partners actually gave me some great conversation topics with my new lovers and I realized I had a much stronger sense of self esteem and confidence by acknowledging this part of myself and sharing it. I had fun and it became a playful way to express my sexuality, understand myself and my lovers more deeply!
If you would like to gain confidence and learn to express yourself more fully, I encourage you to listen to my weekly radio show "Let’s Figure It Out..Intimately," live every Thursday at 3 pm EST on Voice America.com Health and Wellness Channel. If you would like to hear my intimate story about sharing a real sexual fantasy with my partner, there is an amazing recorded show available now for free through ITunes called "Double The Pleasure for Women" (August 22, 2013 show) where I spoke candidly about having a threesome with another man. It was a beautiful story (and experience), indeed.
I continue to offer workshops through my website www.tammeronsplace.com where I help women and couples explore their sexual fantasies and create deeper intimacy in their sex lives. My online workshop is called "Explore Your Fantasy and Reignite Your Sex Life."
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