It's not your fault if you're making these seven deadly seduction mistakes.
Unless you’ve been hiding under the blanket at the bottom of the bed, you’ve heard this before: Women need foreplay before intercourse.
But has anyone ever pointed out what you may be currently doing that causes her coochie to dry up?
Lest you try to “get busy” only to have your new techniques yield the opposite effect, let me drill it down for you into 7 step sex-cess checklist.
1. Slow down and stop going too fast.
You absolutely must wrap your head around a simple fact: her turn on is nothing like yours. She’s a rheostat. You’re a light switch.
Most guys love it when a woman goes straight for their penis. When a man starts to get turned on, his first thought is: “When are you going to put The Big Guy in your mouth?” (Fellatio tops the list of men's’ #1 unmet desire.)
If you try to go down on her before she’s ready, you’re going to short-circuit her arousal. Most women will send signals when they’re ready for more. If you’re not sure, check in with a simple, “Can I lick you now?”
Understand that men are stable hormonally. Testosterone is an unrelenting chemical that fuels your arousal.
Women, on the other hand, are cyclical. Their sexual desires fluctuate. Her turn-on — her estrogen — ebbs and flows, so you have to pay attention to what she’s in the mood for in the moment while slowly leading her toward more pleasure. You have to surf her waves.
2. Use the "bull's-eye touch" technique instead of hyper-focusing on the target.
The most common mistake men make can be avoided once you know the bull’s-eye touch technique. Her clit is not that small central circle on a target. There is no X that marks the spot.
Her vagina is not your ultimate destination ― her pleasure is, especially if you want to enjoy her body again and again. The remedy for this mistake? Broaden your focus.
Start at the outer rings of the target and work your way in. Start at her extremities. Yes, her hands. Hold them. Her feet. Rub them. And take your time working your way to her breasts and genitals. Don’t go right for her nipples. Play with all her breast tissue … her chest, her belly …
Don’t go for her clit until you have thoroughly explored the lovely soft folds of her labia. And don’t go for her labia until you have cupped her entire vulva. And don’t go for her vulva until you’ve brushed between her legs while she’s still wearing jeans. Then, once one or both of you have peeled her jeans off and she’s wearing only a thong, "brush and cup" again.
Outside rings in. Get the picture?
3. Use “two-option” leading questions to make it simple for her to let you know how you're doing.
Men like to have proof that they’re doing a good job. They want a woman to acknowledge their sexual prowess. Guys are driven, even hard-wired, to give women pleasure. But women are sometimes shy about giving feedback.
She might be concerned about “hurting your feelings.” She may not make sounds that encourage you to continue because she’s focused internally, feeling the sensations you’re delivering.
The solution? Ask her.
I recommend you ask yes or no questions rather than open-ended questions. Give her two options. Don’t say: “How does that feel?”
Rather, say: “Do you like it when I go up and down or in circles?”
Or: “Do you want it softer or harder?”
4. Stay present, even if it means get "excited" quickly.
One of the biggest challenges for both men and women is to give up strategizing during sex.
The first thing both sexes require is physical cleanliness. Men want blow jobs. Women want, “a commitment to presence/connecting” (according to my, “What Makes A Great Lover” research data).
If you’re in your head, you can’t be fully present.
This requires that you develop a new skill: taking the time to drop into the present moment and stay for a while. Instead of thinking about doing her, just be present with her. See what sexiness can develop when you and she are in an interplay of intimacy.
And then there’s that "other problem.” Stamina. So many guys struggle to keep from coming too soon.
Doesn’t it feel so good to be inside her that it’s sometimes hard to last? So you think about taxes or baseball stats and, whoosh! You’ve left the bedroom.
She can tell.
Bring yourself back when you notice you’ve gone mental. A woman needs your presence or she can’t connect with you emotionally.
5. Demonstrate your pleasure instead of bottling it up inside.
Listen up: this is crucial.
She needs to feel felt — to feel you feeling her and to feel you feeling how good she feels. Don’t just rub on her mindlessly. Her desire is stoked by the pleasure YOU get from how sexy she is to you. She wants to savor the desire you have for her.
So slow down and allow yourself to really appreciate her.
Growl. Make animalistic sounds. Let her know how damn good she feels in your hands.
6. Let her get anything off her chest first.
A lot of guys forget the importance of checking in with their lady before foreplay.
Ask how she’s feeling. Ask what she wants sexually in this moment. Is she wanting soft and cuddly, or does she want to be thrown down and ravished?
Ask if there’s anything she needs to get off her chest. Then listen.
Men often have the legitimate fear that getting into a conversation will land them in a verbal loop, when all they want is to get into a physical loop. The key to avoiding the over-talking impasse is simple: just listen.
Don’t react, and by all means, don’t try to talk her out of what she’s feeling. As a guy, your strongest urge will be to “fix it” if you perceive that something is wrong. But for her, the fixing often happens in the speaking it aloud, not in the doing. It’s a chick thing. You’ll get used to it.
Just hold her. Hug her. Listen.
Then kiss her.
7. Initiate “The Talk” instead of waiting to see if she will.
I know you get excited. It’s HARD to get a woman to finally have sex with you. You don’t want to blow it. But you have to man up and have, “The Talk.” Really what this comes down to is that you are being aware of her needs in the moment.
Be willing to have the safe sex talk if required. Better yet, initiate the safe sex talk. Check in on her vagina. How does it feel? What is she in the mood for? Any boundaries you need to know about today?
And DO have protection on hand if you’re not in a fluid bonded relationship. If she is reluctant to bring it up and you don’t take the lead, she will not be able to fully surrender. Surrender requires trust. And keeping her safe lets her know you’re trustworthy. You want a woman who trusts you and allows you to take her in bed.
Bottom line: if your ambition is to be invited to make love to her again and again, DO NOT RUSH IT.
Men sometimes forget about the holding, the hugging, the tenderness of stroking her hair and looking her in the eyes. These are the keys to a woman’s arousal.
Adopt the attitude “we’ll get there when we get there,” and s-l-o-w d-o-w-n.
If you want to give her multiple orgasms, start by taking a few steps back. Drop in. Get present.
Give her the safety she needs to go for it.
Susan Bratton is a trusted hot sex advisor to millions of men who rely on her advice to create more pleasure in the bedroom. Through her quickie books like, The Passion Patch: The ONE Place To Touch Her To Arouse Her In 30 Seconds Flat (Hint. It’s Not Her Breasts or Between Her Thighs), she helps guys like you lead their women toward more passionate sexual experiences.