7 Ways Porn Nearly Ruined My Marriage — And My Life
You can save your marriage, too.
TheVisualsYouNeed / Shutterstock 28,258. That's the number of Internet users that are viewing porn this second.
372. The number of internet users typing in adult related search terms into search engines every second.
I'm not naive. Men and women like sex.
Sex is a great thing between a husband and a wife. But porn is a distortion of a good thing. I would know. I battled it myself.
Maybe you can learn a bit from my struggle so you don't have to go through the same thing.
Here are the ways porn ruined my marriage:
1. I did not value my wife.
Other bodies occupied my mind and my thoughts. I keep a careful watch on my imagination now, and it is much better now that I am not surfing porn, or looking for a quick "hit" from a somewhere else.
My marriage wasn't front and center in my life. It wasn't my priority. Porn caused hurt, resentment, a lack of trust and faith between me and my wife.
2. I valued the physical act more than knowing my wife fully.
In Tim Alan Gardner's book Sacred Sex, he suggests that the goal of sex is not the orgasm. The goal of sex is oneness with your spouse.
For me, sex was always about the orgasm and not much else. For many years, I was only after the one layer — the body.
I never realized that I was supposed to be striving for oneness with my wife. Our wives are more than "just a body." They are spirit, soul, mind, and, yes, a body. Many layers. Do you really know your spouse when you jump into bed with them? Or are you just there for the 'feel good'?
Sure, shallow sex might feel good for a couple minutes, but not being connected to your spouse on more than the physical level will leave so much to be desired in your relationship.
By focusing only on one piece of her being, I was making her an object for my release. Not truly loving her as a whole woman. It is sad to think of all the time I wasted, but I am glad to have figured it out.
3. I dishonored God.
I consider myself a Jesus follower. And, to be honest, I was doing a crappy job following him. In my particular faith, I am supposed to be the husband of one wife.
Not several wives. If I am trying to live by what the Bible suggests, thinking lustfully about a woman actually puts me in the same category as having sex with her.
4. I had no boundaries.
My obsession with porn? All. About Me.
I remember actually telling girlfriends to "Deal with it, it is just something that I do. It's who I am." With every look at porn, I objectified women more and more. Many of what would seem like innocent glances at women were filled with lust, sad to say.
I didn't keep those looks for my wife, because I had no boundaries. I let my eyes and mind run wild with mental images of women. The interesting thing? Being intentional about my thoughts, and my eyes has made me desire my wife much more.
Now, I think about where I am looking and what and whom I am looking at. It allows me to analyze the thoughts that I am having.
Porn caused me to 'speed' through my thoughts. I used to automatically jump to lust in many situations. But, by putting the boundary up, I slow the process down in my mind. I don't have as many lustful thoughts, and I can really think about my thoughts.
5. I had no vision for my marriage.
Porn makes it all about right NOW. Once again: All. About. Me. My fun, my desire, my need.
Ahh, but a marriage is made up of two people. It's not all about me and my needs. My wife has needs, wants and desires too.
But in the moment, I was most important, and our marriage didn't matter, all I cared about was that burning desire. When it's all about me, I don't think of 'us.' I don't think about the future. I don't think of the goals that we have.
6. I worried about the "what if's".
I guess that this would be my "commitment" worry. In my head, I started wondering if she was as committed to our marriage as I was. How backwards is that? I was the one looking at porn!
The "what ifs" were just an excuse to justify the porn. What if she left, what if there was someone else?
All of these were just lies and justifications that, looking back, don't make sense. Lusting after nameless bodies caused me to have crazy jealous thoughts about my wife.
All because I was the one with the issue. (Face it, if you are struggling with porn, YOU are the one with the issue — not your spouse!)
7. I didn't realize that I hurt myself when I hurt her.
From a purely selfish standpoint, I don't like to hurt. But every time I would act out with porn, I not only hurt her, I also hurt our relationship.
Both of these hurts would ultimately end up causing hurt to myself. As I continued with porn, it caused distance, lack of trust, and fear in my wife.
All of these things that hurt her, caused her to point that hurt right back at me.
If you struggle with pornography, it doesn't have to control your life. There are avenues that you can pursue to get free from the hold that it has on you.
Maybe you feel like you have a handle on it, and can quit at any time. If that's the case, I would encourage you to do just that. In the long run, it will be better for you... and your marriage.
Stu Gray hosts The Stupendous Marriage Show podcast with his wife, where they encourage, challenge and inspire married couples to have the best relationships possible.