The Common Syndrome That Turns Men Off

How your being 'nice' actually turns him away.

By Shahrzad Malika
Last updated on Feb 07, 2024

Photo: Eder Paisan / Shutterstock

Is the idea of upsetting your man (even if you just met him) a terrifying concept to you? If you’re anything like how I was (or like the tens of women that I speak to every day), what you want and what you need are pretty much non-existent on your list of priorities I used to think I was every man’s dream woman, and yet, none of my long-term relationships ever went anywhere.

Year after year, I was never more than just a girlfriend to them, while I longed for a permanent commitment. I wanted to be a wife. Why didn’t any of these men want to marry me? After all, I always said "yes" to anything and everything. The word "no" was not in my vocabulary. I had learned that men want easy-going girls, and I always put on a smile even if I felt like crying; I was told men only love happy girls.

I never expressed my bad feelings, even if a man was outwardly rude to me or neglected me. I was led to believe that men hate conflict. I would do anything to make life easy for my partner, thinking he’d be crazy not to want to marry such a convenient woman. I walked on eggshells watching every word that came out of my mouth in fear of displeasing my man.

So, the question was, do guys like nice girls? The truth was that the women role models in my life and the non-expert relationship advice had transformed me into a completely fake and inauthentic woman. While I thought I was being the perfect girl, in reality, I was the ultimate attraction killer.

Without realizing it, I was always acting. At the end of each 4-5 year relationship, I felt completely exhausted, resentful, and angry. I could no longer continue with the relationship. I was done and I didn’t know why. This pattern repeated itself 3 times. Until I finally decided to receive relationship coaching and learn a whole new truth; which transformed every aspect of my life — including attracting my most fulfilling relationship today.

It turned out that I had the common case of Nice Girl Syndrome and this was what was happening to me and most likely to you too if you’re reading this article. When you are continuously being inauthentic to yourself and pretty much roleplaying all the time, you are telling the entire world: "I am not good enough as I am. I have to act like a completely different person to be loved by a man."

And even if a man somehow sticks around (while it’s impossible for him to fully love you, because the real you is invisible), there will come the day that you get overwhelmed with feelings of anger and resentment. And in the end, you can no longer stand the relationship, while in reality, you can no longer stand yourself. If you’re exhausted from role-playing and it is your true heart's desire to be fully loved, it is now time for you to come out of hiding and let the world see you. To do that, follow these tips that helped me put an end to my Nice Girl Syndrome.

Here are 2 tips that helped me put an end to my Nice Girl Syndrome:

1. Catch yourself when you’re saying "yes" to something that you don’t like

Your emotions and the tension in your body will always tell you when you’re going against what you want. Remind yourself that when you say "yes" when you want to say "no," his attraction will fade away for you. Practice saying "no."

2. Express your true feelings

Drop the words: "It’s okay. I’m fine." Don’t ever use those words again. Express how you truly feel at the moment — good or bad. Stepping over your own needs to tend to his will give him the message: "I don’t matter." And he can’t value and respect you if you don’t value yourself. Meet your own needs before anyone else’s and he will adore and admire you for it.

When you finally drop the act, when you show up as who you are and show the world that you deserve to be loved just as you are, your entire world will change. Men start to look at you and treat you differently. You become a magnet for men who love and respect you. It is not that men love b**ches; they just love real authentic women. The woman who will not try to be anyone else other than herself. Show up as who you are and allow him to fall madly in love with the real you.