Should you settle for an 8 or hold out for a 10?
When I first heard about Lori Gottlieb's New York Times bestselling book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, I was offended. At first glance, Ms. Gottlieb seemed to be asking women and men to settle in a relationship, to give up what they truly want and need in a mate. Doesn't that set you up for failure? Should you really give up on your dream of meeting and marrying your true love? However, that is not at all what Lori Gottlieb is suggesting.
Ms. Gottlieb, single and forty, had grown frustrated with her search for Mr. Right. She decided to stop chasing the elusive Prince Charming and get real about finding a husband. She began by observing her happily married friends who had married not-so-perfect men. What made them happy?
Did They Settle In A Relationship?
Many admitted that the men they married were not immediate heart-throbs. Their love and affection for their husbands grew over time. It was based on shared core values. Qualities such as kindness, consideration, compassion, intelligence—these are the things that great matches are made of. These women gave their future spouses a chance. Their relationships developed in a very solid way, and ultimately they did not feel they were settling at all.
Prince Charming? Not in the conventional sense, but these men did become their happily ever after. This perspective for settling for Mr. Good Enough makes very good sense. Here's what Gottlieb had to say in an interview:
"Many women in their twenties or early thirties are either breaking up with really good guys, or refusing to even go on a first date with a really good guy, because there's not instant 'chemistry' or because the guy is kind (but not a mind-reader), successful (but not wealthy enough), cute (but balding), and funny (but not Jon Stewart), and they think there's someone better out there."
"So, they pass up the 8 in order to hold out for the 10—and then suddenly they're 38 or 40 and now they can only get a 5. The 8 would have been the catch. Most of us would be very happy married to the 8. But we don't realize this at the time. This whole business of 'having it all' is a problem because guess what, most of us aren't 10s either. Some guy is going to have to put up with our flaws and give up certain things he may want in a partner, too."
"Maybe he wanted someone taller, or someone with a better sense of humor or someone less sensitive. We tend to forget about that because our female friends are always telling us how fabulous we are, and soon we think we’re so fabulous that we always find a reason that this guy or that guy isn't good enough for us."
"By acknowledging these truths, you can adjust your behavior so you're not always sitting there wondering why you can't find Mr. Right. If you're like many single women today, you've probably been passing up a lot of Mr. Rights along the way because of these unrealistic expectations."
3 Key Takeaways On The Right Kind Of Settling
- Many people settle for the wrong things in a relationship. They may think that their partner is as good as it gets. They settle for a 7 or 8, and believe that their love will grow with time. But when they compromise on too many of the most important elements of a truly loving union, those marriages usually fail. This is not the "good enough" that Gottlieb is referring to. Focus on the most essential non-negotiable qualities you need in a truly loving compatible connection, and your love will grow over time.
- Think twice before passing up a perfectly good guy. Judging him based on his job? Education? Height? These things don't usually indicate his true nature/ability/intelligence. Focus less on the externals and more on the internal qualities in a potential match.
- Attraction is based on many unpredictable factors. Gottlieb concludes that we don't always know what we need in a relationship or understand why we are attracted to the opposite sex. We may think we need certain qualities in a partner, but a totally different type of man will make us much happier. We wouldn't know it unless we met that men and gave a good guy a chance.
You may be passing up Mr. Good Enough in your search for what you believe is Mr. Right. Give relationships a chance to develop. Be open. Don't turn down a potential match based on your preconceived notions of your type. Open up your possibility of finding Mr. Right by giving Mr. Good Enough a chance. I would love to hear your thoughts about settling for Mr. Good Enough!
For a copy of my free report, "The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)" please click here.