7 Ways To Put The SIZZLE Back In Boring, Snoozy Married Sex

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7 Ways to Put the Sizzle Back in Sex
Sex

Is sex boring, routine? Have you lost your desire? Is the romance gone? Here's how to get it back.

Has your sex life become routine? Boring? Dull? Is your desire less than it used to be? Has the romance faded? Stop worrying. It happens to all couples in long-term relationships.

"The honeymoon phase" lasts up to two years. Biology has everything to do with that. When the relationship is new and exciting, the "chemistry" is hot. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., biological anthropologist, describes three stages of falling in love:

  1. Lust: the strong desire for sex, driven by testosterone and estrogen, the sex hormones.
  2. Attraction: feeling consumed with thoughts of your new partner and is fueled by dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin.
  3. Attachment: the bond of long-term commitment and sustained by oxytocin and vasopressin.

In the stage of lust, romance and desire roll along without any help. But once the newness wears off and the attachment stage beings, couples need to "do something" to stimulate the spark and create the sizzle. It won’t happen all by itself.

Spring is a great time to revitalize, recharge, and re-ignite the chemistry of love during married sex.

Here are 7 ways to create some sizzle in the bedroom (or outside the bedroom) so you and your spouse can have hotter and better sex:

1. Make sex a priority.

With our busy lives, many couples leave sex for last. Then, they get too tired or not in the mood. Avoidance of sex just creates more avoidance. Lack of sexual intimacy will lead to a significant disconnection in a relationship. We see this in our practice all the time.

When people lose their erotic feelings for their partner, they fall out of love. The longer it goes, the harder it is to get back. Schedule time for sex.

2. Schedule erotic outer-course time.

Outer-course is everything but intercourse.

So, explore each other’s bodies and give massages; tell your partner what feels erotic and where and how you like to be touched — soft, hard, fast, or slow. Take a shower or a bath together and take turns washing each other. Use lotion.

3. Share your sexual fantasies.

Be bold and share something with your partner that you haven’t mentioned before. They may have something in mind that you’ve never heard about. Act the fantasies out. Meet at a hotel as if you were strangers. Stretch your imagination. Since Fifty Shades of Grey, we have heard all kinds of things (we’ll save that for another day).

4. Ask for what you want.

Often partners just don’t talk about their desires or don’t give each other the information that would make their experience even more pleasurable. Sometimes, they are too shy and afraid of being judged. Speak up in a positive way: "I like it when you…", "It would drive me wild if you would…", or "It feels great when you…"

5. Do something different.

If your partner initiates most of the time, you initiate the next time. Have sex at a different time of the day. If you usually "do it" at night, try the morning or afternoon. Find a different place. Start anywhere but the bedroom.

Repetition leads to the same patterns. Try new positions. Try Tantric Sex (here’s a book we recommend: Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day by Diana Daffner, CS, MA and Richard Daffner).

6. Create sexual tension.

Whisper your fantasies to each other in a public place where you get excited but must wait. Tease or talk about what you will do to your partner when you get home.

7. Go to a sex shop and buy toys.

If you’re embarrassed, wear a hat and sunglasses and go on the "off" hours. Or just be brave. Remember, everyone there came for the same reason as you.

Bob and I went to a very large "adult toy store" in New Orleans and upon entering, the sign said, "Don’t be embarrassed. It’s just sex."

If you or your partner are having difficulties with sex, seek help. Whether it’s low desire, medications that interfere with sex, hormones, pain, or fear of failure, there are experts specifically certified as "sex therapists." (To find an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, go to their website.)

If your partner is the one having problems, be delicate. Don’t start the conversation in bed or after a problem has just occurred. That’s too vulnerable. Bring it up at a later date. Be supportive. Sex is a team activity.

What will you do to put the sizzle back in your relationship?

This article was originally published at relationshipswork.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.