If you are ready to expand your erotic horizons and start exploring new parts of your sexuality, it is essential to draw a clear boundary between your desires and your fantasies. This article is adapted from The Fantasy Method: How To Discover Your Authentic Sexual Desires and Create a Fulfilling Sex Life by The Pleasure Mechanics.
Desire Vs. Fantasy
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Many people try to open a conversation with their lover by saying something like “Tell me about your fantasies. . .” While this is a great question to ask, often couples get into trouble when they haven’t defined their terms.
The difference between Fantasy and Desire is incredibly important to establish and maintain. Establishing this difference will give you more freedom to explore Fantasy and more confidence in naming your Desires. You’ll be more likely to know what you authentically want, and much more likely to make those Desires a reality. We strongly urge you to maintain a very clear distinction between these terms, according to their dictionary definitions:
Fantasy: the faculty or activity of imagining things, esp. things that are impossible or improbable
Fantasy is the realm where anything is possible, where you are free to imagine wild scenarios, extraordinary circumstances and superhuman powers.
Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
Desires are those experiences that you find pleasurable and want more of in your actual life. Desires are specific elements from the world of fantasy and reality that you find fulfilling.
In Fantasy, anything is possible. The limits of reality do not apply. The bank account is endless, your health and safety are guaranteed. You are dropped into the blank slate of possibility, and the only limit is your imagination. In the realm of Fantasy, you can privately explore the outer limits without having to justify your thoughts to anyone, without any risk.
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Something changes from a Fantasy to a Desire as soon as you want to make it real. Fantasies are not fulfilled - Desires are. Fantasies live in our imagination alone, Desires are part of our real physical lives. Pleasures may change from one category to the other over your lifetime, moving across the boundary as dictated by your life circumstance, physical abilities and your emotional and physical needs.
Defining the Boundary Between Fantasy and Desire