Photo: PeopleImages | Canva
Be certain you are ready to take your relationship to the next level.
By Moreah Vestan
Last updated on Mar 19, 2024
When people are dating in their 30s, 40s (and later) they often rethink what seemed natural when they were younger. I remember while dating in the '80s after my divorce, I felt okay about my sexual behavior. I was clear then, and am clear now, I didn't want to be sexual unless I felt camaraderie, easy and open communication, and the possibility of a long-term relationship (which for many years meant 3 to 6 months for me).
These days, whether I answer or respond to men on dating apps, I still want those three things. If you are new (again) to the dating game, here are six signs you are or may be ready for sex. These tips may also be helpful if you're younger (but still an adult) and want to develop a clearer sense of what is right for you, on your terms.
Here are 6 signs you're ready to have sex with someone you're dating.
1. You genuinely like the person you are dating.
You would be comfortable introducing them to your good friends (of course, that is not required, but it is a good indicator). If you have any concerns and a friend says, "What a fine man he is!" I can usually keep from dropping him or jumping into bed with him until I've given our time together more room to grow wherever it will go.
2. You have open discussions about sex.
Whenever the subject of sex comes up, you discuss your feelings considerations, and preferences. For instance, when "L." suggested sex after two dates lasting a total of 15 hours, I already saw him as a possible "long-term" partner.
"Let's see how comfortable we feel after we've cuddled a bit," I said.
We were comfortable. A week later, he emailed me saying there wasn't enough of a spark. Because we'd been very open, I was surprised but not dismayed. A month later, to my amazement, he invited me to join him in an erotic massage class, which was a different experience because, though we practiced what the leader had demonstrated, we knew we weren't a couple. You might read about "erotic massage" for some examples of what you may not have thought of before either.
3. You have already shown affection toward each other.
A third signal of readiness is that you have already shown affection toward each other — touching his arm or knee as you talk, light kissing, holding each other's gaze, trusting your intuition when you invite their touch. You have already discussed sex and have some certainty that you're both seeing intimacy from a similar viewpoint.
You may choose to notice if their affection seems as natural as yours. Sometimes, women have the fear deep down that "he's just out for sex." So give the affection time to feel genuine before you disrobe. I love Laura Day's book Practical Intuition, with its many exercises, and look forward to reading her book Practical Intuition in Love: Let Your Intuition Guide You to the Love of Your Life.
Photo: lucyluphoto via Shutterstock
4. Share a bit of your history.
How old were you when you started dating? What lessons have you learned? What hopes and disappointments have you experienced with intimacy? Deal breakers? Hopefully, one of those deal breakers will be around the requirement of safe sex. If you've been sexual and an STI test after several months assures you all is well, run that by your doctor if you have concerns.
I was having some questions about a man I met. When asked how often he likes sex, he chose sex every day from the range of every day to once a month. That was enough for me to gently say, along with my current misgivings, I didn't think we were a good match.
5. You've thought about each other's comfort level concerning sex.
Think out your and their comfort level about where you’ll have sex. I rent out six rooms in my Seattle home so my lover may or may not meet another housemate before he gets upstairs to my bedroom. If neatness is important, either take time to tidy up or say, “This is how I keep my space.” If your partner isn’t comfortable with your level of neatness, either go to their place or decide if it is worth dealing with the discomfort or lack of acceptance at all.
6. You've been daydreaming or nightdreaming about "doing it."
It feels right, and you have no voices in your head cautioning you. You know each other well enough that you feel trust and compatibility. You can also make a game of it. I found "G." too serious on our first meeting, but very appealing our second time together. I felt playful and teased him, "No sex until we've been together 30 hours."
That was not a rule in my life, but it made the anticipation so much juicier. I'd remind him each time we hung out: "Only 7 more hours; only 2 more hours," and we both had fun (before and after).
More for You:
Morah Vestan is a life coach, communication trainer, and author. She has an M.A. in Adult Education and was a relationship columnist for 16 years for Seattle's Active Singles Life.