Much like our dreams, our sexual fantasies are the windows to our souls. In many ways, we have been conditioned and trained to fear, or be ashamed our sexual fantasies, as maybe we are somewhat afraid, or ashamed about our own sexualities. We’re embarrassed of our desires. Due to lack of education, and lack of exposure in talking about sexual fantasies we keep them hidden, quiet, shut off from the world, and to ourselves. But being in tune and comfortable with our fantasies can be a great avenue to understanding our needs, and desires when it comes to sexuality and then to be able to express our sexual needs in the bedroom to our partner/s.
The art of communication is also key, as well as the fact that we do not have to admit to our partners what it is, or the specific details of what we fantasize about. But rather if we understand the root of our fantasies, we are better able to communicate it. I believe that there is a continuum of dominance and submission, that everyone falls on, (not just the people who have embraced this lifestyle). Knowing yourself, where you fall on this continuum and in what situations, becomes key in understanding your demeanor in sexual situations and becomes key getting your needs met.
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On one end of the continuum is dominance and on the other end is submission. In much the same way there is another continuum of voyeurism at one end and exhibitionism on the other end. This is possibly a different and maybe slightly less important continuum, but if it comes up in your fantasies, it’s important. I tell people in sex therapy who want better sex, who want to orgasm, who want to become more aroused, who want to be able to tell their partners how to meet their needs that: You must first know yourself, and be honest.
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One example, is the rape fantasy. Women would be hard pressed to admit they have a rape fantasy. But, in actuality rape fantasies are not only really common, they have little to do with actual rape. Women with rape fantasies do not want to be raped, but rather they have a fantasy or desire to be able to surrender, to put someone else in charge of their sexual pleasure, in complete trust. This person is someone they trust who will not hurt them. The rape fantasy signifies surrender. It’s not about power nor is it about control. If more people knew this, then maybe more women would be able to let their partners in on their little secret, without a fear of backlash. Yet, many a men would think less of their prized lady if he knew she had a rape fantasy, and this prevents women from being open about it.
In much the same way, because of social stigma, many men may feel embarrassed to admit they like to be dominated in their fantasies. When in fact this is also very common. Men are often expected to be the dominant ones, and being submissive goes against the grain. This is why it is not necessary to disclose specific details. But knowing the fantasy and admitting it to yourself can open up a door towards understanding your drives.