Indulge his kink. You'll be glad you did.
The two of you met and fell for each other, seemingly compatible on all fronts.
You're a bit shy, yet alluring; he's the intellectual type, attractive, yet a tad nerdy. It seems a magnetic match made in heaven. He seems so "normal." Yet it doesn't take long before he begins to reveal his kinky fantasies to you, admitting his inner desire to experience a state of bondage in which he's in full submission to YOU ... his woman.
Maybe he wants you to tie him up or chain him to the bedpost while you have your way with him. Maybe he wants you to command him to do your bidding — wash your panties, clean your floors, scrub your toilets until the gleam.
But you're the shy, "vanilla" type, and these desires of his seem so strange, so confusing, and overwhelming.
This is quite an ironic predicament: the shy girl in love with the kinkster.
You're probably secretly hoping that his submissive fantasies and odd kinks will just go away. But the fact is: They're not going anywhere, and the sooner you accept this, the easier this whole experiment will be.
You're wondering, "How on earth will this ever work out?!" Even "Can it work out?"
Yes! With a little coaching and direction, it absolutely can.
At this point, you're probably asking either one or both of these questions:
- "Why would I want to indulge his submissive fantasies?"
- "What's in it for me?"
After all, aren't his sexual desires are a little weird ... for a man??
The fleeting thought might cross your mind "Is he secretly gay?" or "Is this normal?"
Relax! This type of fantasy is actually very common for men — much more than most women realize.
In fact, his desire to experimenting sexually with being in the submissive role is healthy (in my opinion), and many men find it a total turn on. Not only is it totally erotic for them to see their woman take charge, but it also gives them a much needed break from the pressures of constantly being in a directive masculine role, which most of them already have 24/7 outside of the bedroom.
And, there's more for you in this than you may realize.
That's right, shy girl, let's talk about YOU for a minute. I know, I know, I know. It's not in your nature to play the dominant role. You have no desire to become his dominatrix. In fact, you probably don't even find his kinky desires all that erotic. You may even find them downright weird or utterly confusing. And this really is just fine, because you don't need to understand his kinky mind in order to use his kinks to your benefit.
The trick is to learn how to indulge him while using this whole situation to your benefit. This sounds selfish but in reality, it benefits you both.
In his book (which I highly recommend) "How to be a Roman Dominatrix," Giles English gracefully teaches us how to make this "vanilla-kinkster" combination work. He argues that you should fully exploit your man's desire to become submissive to your advantages.
In other words, it's your go ahead to turn him into your own personal male slave.
The best part: it's entirely possible to do this in a way that feels totally safe and natural for you, while still fulfilling some of your man's kinky fantasies.
In the meantime let me offer you my own sage advice. Here are 5 steps to help you get in touch with your Inner Dominatrix, fulfill his kinky fantasies, and get what YOU want while having fun in the process:
1. Don't fake it, just leant into what feels natural to you.
The biggest fear most women have is that they'll have to become someone or something they're not. I get it. You worry you'll have to dress up in thigh high patent leather boots and walk around the house with a whip, commanding your man what to do. Forget it! (Unless that's what comes naturally for you, then go ahead). Getting in touch with your inner dominatrix begins simply by getting in touch with your own shy girl desires, and then doing what feels natural for you.
Even shy girls have fantasies and desires. And as I said before, who would not want their very own personal slave at their beck and call? Just about every woman would enjoy being served by her man in some way. So if you have to tie him up and tease him mercilessly or whip him with a twig from the backyard willow tree, then so be it. Find the fun in activating his turn on, and then use it to your advantage.
2. Honor his vulnerability.
If your man shares his submissive fantasies with you, he's making himself incredibly vulnerable to you. It's a sign that he trusts you, or he wouldn't reveal himself to you in this way. Submitting to a woman is usually not considered 'socially acceptable' for a man. So, when he shares his fantasies with you, recognize that he's exposing a vulnerable side of himself.
Honor this. Do not laugh at him. Do not shame him. Don't judge his kinky mind or submissive desires. Realize that he's giving YOU a huge gift by being open in this way and wanting to serve you through his submission.
3. Receive the gift he's offering you.
In addition to his service to you through his submission, your man is also giving you the gift of learning to experience yourself in a whole new way. For many women (even with modern feminism) — being in a dominant and directive role in sex can feel unfamiliar, and even scary.
You're also sharing a vulnerable part of yourself by exploring this new aspect of your femininity and feminine power. Receive this gift graciously. Learn to enjoy experiencing yourself in this new way.
4. Keep it safe, sane, and consensual.
With power comes great responsibility. Ensure that your explorations remain safe, sane and consensual by talking about potential scenarios and scenes you and your partner might want to explore. If you have fears or concerns, talk about them. Clarify your hard limits ... what you are (and are not) OK with.
If you're uncertain about anything, talk to him about it and educate yourself. There are plenty of great resources on the internet. And remember: You never have to do anything that you don't want to do.
5. Keep exploration contained ... at first.
Exploring new sexual terrain can feel overwhelming and confusing at first. Communication is not always clear, and embarrassing moments are unavoidable. You may feel nervous or uncertain. He may feel embarrassed and even ashamed or afraid of what you think of him now.
When branching out of your shy girl shell, create an intentional time and place for this new kind of sex play. In other words, his kinks and fantasies do not have to fill your entire relationship (or play out in every sexual interaction you share). You don't have to be a full-time dominatrix, and he doesn't need to be a full-time servant.
Start out part-time. Set aside a few hours or a few days where you play and experiment with your new roles. Giles describes this as a beautiful, fun, and highly effective way to experiment with your inner dominatrix without feeling like you have to be "on" all the time. Plus — I'm just guessing here — but I bet your guy probably wouldn't make a good full-time submissive anyhow!
Opening the doors to exploring new terrain of sexual expression and relationship dynamics may feel intimidating at first.
However it could end up being one of the best things you ever do for yourself ... and for your relationship. When we're given and opportunity to know ourselves in new ways and to explore new dimensions of our sexuality and relationship (in a way that's safe and playful), that's a huge gift.
Experiment. Explore. Take that first step on your journey. Follow my guidance and do some research on your own. After all, education is the best way to increase your confidence. You go, shy girl — I know you can do it!
Morgan Susan Taylor, M.A. is the founder of the Feminine Wisdom Academy. As a sexuality educator, sex therapist, and intimacy coach she is passionate about empowering women, men and couples create and sustain an intimacy that is physically satisfying and spiritually fulfilling. Get your copy of Morgan's free eBook "The Pleasure Keys: 7 Keys to Increase Pleasure, Reach Your Orgasmic Potential, and Experience Sexual Fulfillment" at FeminineWisdomAcademy.com.