Try as you might, you just can't seem to land a guy. What's up with that?
Most of us are afraid of being alone. We fear we won't find our true love, ultimately dying void of companionship (minus the obligatory clowder of cats, of course). Luckily, this fear isn't always warranted and many of us will find that person who completes us and will have a happily Jerry Maguired life.
But, finding someone doesn't just happen — it takes effort. Sometimes, it even takes a little tweaking of your attitude. In fact, there are three types of women who need a little more than tweaking — they need a mindset makeover. These women can best be categorized as Negative Nancy, Positive Paula, and Fated Farrah. Read on to learn what types of qualities these women possess and why it's a hurdle when looking for love.
Most of us know a woman or two who is a Negative Nancy. When you talk about vitamins, she'll bring up cancer. When you discuss the Baltimore Ravens, she says she has bird flu. When you talk about your wedding day, she'll offer you divorce statistics. In other words, she is the type of person who deserves a soundtrack, the "wah wah waaahhhh" of a sad trombone blowing each time she opens her mouth.
The Negative Nancy is an equal opportunity naysayer. She is negative in nearly all aspects of her life, particularly dating. She may find a man with whom she is completely compatible with only to nitpick his every flaw. The way he chews his food, the color of his socks, and the fact that he misused "whom" and "who" may each be enough to make her want to end the relationship.
Negative Nancy is destined to be alone for a few reasons. First of all, she is holding out for the perfect man (whom or who?) doesn't exist and, even if she did find someone near-perfect, she would eventually only focus on his imperfections. Second of all, negativity begets negativity. When you focus on nothing but the bad stuff, you will find the bad wherever you look. It's no way to date, and no way to live.
On the opposite end of the spectrum sits Positive Paula, a woman so positive that she can spin just about everything; she looks at leprosy as a wonderful way to lose weight, for instance. In many ways, the attitude Positive Paula exhibits is beneficial. Her positive attitude helps her see the best in people, find solutions to problems, and gives her hope in the direst circumstances.
However, Positive Paula’s mindset can cause problems in a few different ways. To begin, rose-colored glasses almost always lose their focus. This means that Positive Paula's can leave you seeing situations as positive when they are anything but.
It really comes down to this: not every man and every woman make a great couple (haven't we learned anything from Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards?). There are men and women who are just not compatible as well as men and women who, when paired together, are like fire and gasoline (their relationship is explosive and not in a good way). Yet, Positive Paula refuses to see this. She ignores the actuality of a situation and coaches her way to a forced smile. But this isn't reality. Sometimes, the sun doesn't shine through a rain storm.
At best, this determination leaves Positive Paula fooling herself; at worst, it can be dangerous (as would be the case if she tried to put a positive spin on something like abuse). But, no matter what, it leaves Positive Paula acting positively idiotic.
The third woman who is destined to be alone is Fated Farrah. This is the type of women who has a spiritual one-liner to cover every self-perceived failure or disappointment she hasn't mustered the courage to face.
Fated Farrah explains things away by stating that it was "meant to be." It might be meant by God, or the Universe, or something Misses Cleo said on the Psychic Reader’s Network. Fated Farrah may allow things like moon phases, horoscopes, and astrological signs to dictate her life. She may see signs and omens everywhere, and she may patiently wait for the day when the Heavens merge her aura with that of another.
Fated Farrah is fated to be single because of her reliance on the world to do things for her. When people believe that everything is meant to be, they expend less effort and are lackadaisical about failures. After all, if things are meant to be, they will be regardless of an individual's actions. These people sit and wait for life to bring them what they want, rather than going out and getting it.
These three women may very well find a partner, a mate, someone to spend their lives with. They may find something that resembles happiness. But they won't find what they are desperate to find: the connection, the deep abiding feeling of being known by another person. Known for all their self-perceived faults, all their own self-perceived "ugliness" and accepted for it and not in spite of it, but deeply loved for the very things that embarrass and shame them most.
To feel that and to experience that level of acceptance, we need to meet the Other Woman. Keep reading...
More single advice on YourTango:
- The 3 Big Reasons You're Still Single
- Newly Single? How To Make A Fresh Start
- How To Tell If A Guy Likes You
The Woman That Works
The three types of women mentioned above all possess an undefined expectation of what their lives "should be." They use their coping mechanisms (mechanisms that are futile) to bridge the impassable chasm that separates them from where they are and where they are "supposed" to be. To put this in the simplest terms, these types of women live in a fantasy land (animated birds that help with laundry may or may not be involved).
The contrary to these women is a woman whose feet are firmly planted in reality. She faces love and heartache with both courage and poise and all while knowing that hurt is inevitable. Rather than make excuses for this hurt, or pretend it doesn't exist, she sees it as part of life and a tool she can use to grow and (cliché alert) truly know herself.
She is not afraid to be vulnerable and has no delusions about her need to be perfect, to appear perfect, or to be in a perfect relationship. But, she isn't apathetic. She recognizes the areas where she is lacking (according to her own standards) and works to bridge that gap. She is not a tempest tossed by the winds of popular opinion or swayed by other's approval and disapproval (this isn't to say that she tells Oprah to stick her advice where the sun don't shine, but she has created her own unique version for her life and works to obtain it). As a result, she is able to love fully fearlessly in a manner where she doesn't have a self-imposed filter system. She is able to give more, which always gets her more in return.
The Conclusion You've Been Waiting For
If you're a Negative Nancy, a Positive Paula, or a Fated Farrah, you will likely either be alone or in a relationship that leaves you unfulfilled. However, if you alter your attitude, you might just open yourself up to true happiness.
Believe it or not, it's easier and more enjoyable to be vulnerable. Scary? Yes. But the fear is what makes it enjoyable, like the anticipation of the drop on a roller coaster, or the fluttering in your gut when you're in love.