If you don't tell him you want him back, how will he ever know?
After a painful breakup, we'll often try just about anything to get back with the person we love. Most of those ideas fall flat, or even worse, blow up in our faces, leaving us embarrassed and feeling more hopeless than before. It's not your fault. It happens to almost everyone.
But some women do figure it out... some women do get him back. Some women get him to chase her with all the vigor he can muster. And after going through a breakup, their relationship is stronger because they have both fought to keep it alive. This begs the question: What's the difference? What do some women do that gets him back?
A surprising new study may answer that question. And as unbelievable as it may seem, the details may confirm all the long-lived intuitions nagging at your heart. At some point during the breakup, you've heard your own version of the classic breakup jargon. Depending on what kind of guy you dated, it ranged from passive and genteel ("You deserve someone better"), all the way to aggressive and accusational ("Nothing I do is ever good enough. God himself couldn't make him happy.")
The funny thing is, one side of the spectrum isn't much better than the other. Because no matter what he said or did, you're still left wondering, "Why? What really happened?" Women have called, emailed and messaged me months after a breakup, still wondering. Still replaying the relationship in their heads. Still afraid it would happen again. To keep that from happening to you, let's set the record straight.
It’s not your fault. And you don't have to rack your brain, lose sleep or analyze things anymore. Believe it or not, the truth is this: He's afraid of you. He's afraid of your disappointment. He's afraid of your anger. He's afraid of your rejection.
Sound confusing? Let me explain: The fact is, men desperately want to make women happy. He desperately wants to make you happy. That's why he was so good to you in the beginning; why he first seemed like your personal Prince Charming. As if at any moment, he'd pull out the glass slipper and it would slide onto its perfect fit.
But then things started to crumble. Little disagreements turn to arguments until you're riding in the car in suffocating silence, wondering "How did we get here?" And the more romantic, the more of a whirlwind, the more fairytale-like your beginning, the less he's likely to address the problems when they arise. Because he wants what you had at the beginning too. And when things, start to crumble, he feels the pressure to fix it. And the more he loves you, the more he's paralyzed with indecision. Because if he tries and fails, the bitterness is worse than if he just walks away. In his mind, he can justify his failures by blaming you. (Love is a fickle jade.)
Men feel intimidated in emotional situations. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to handle the argument, how to deal with your frustration, how to deal with you not thinking they hung the moon and stars. Men take things personally and their feelings are easily hurt. But they think they can't show it because it might look weak. Guys are especially confused nowadays about what is masculine and what is not. He's probably not a bad guy, and he's not trying to jerk you around. He just doesn't know what the hell he's doing either. (Of course, some guys are bad. Some guys are jerking you around. You know the difference).
Now that you know all of this, what do you do? How do you get things back to how they used to be? Obviously, you don't want to call him up and say, "Hey, I know you're afraid of me, but I won't bite. Let's get a coffee to talk it over." He needs your help. He needs you to see the chink in his armor and not take advantage of him. He needs to feel safe. If the love you shared was deep, he doesn't want to lose it either. He doesn't want to be the 50 year-old guy at the bar picking up chicks.
First, you have to arouse his curiosity again. Get him thinking about you in ways that are fun, instead of intimidating. By doing this, you bypass his fear and arouse the desire part of his brain. This appeals to his natural masculinity. Then, get him to chase you again. Men love the chase. And because you shared intimacy and memories, he wants to chase you more than he wants to chase other women Finally? Let him catch you. Men love the chase. But they want to stop running eventually. And he has to know he can catch you — or else he won't chase. The funny thing is, even if he broke up with you, he's likely to be worried that you will hurt him if he gets back together with you.
Now, as a bonus, to keep him or you from being bored, once he's caught you, get up and start running again... it's all about the thrill!
More breakup advice from YourTango:
- Help! My Last Breakup Scarred Me For Life
- How To Get Over A Bad Breakup
- How To (Finally) Get Over Your Breakup And Move On