The Brutal Truth Nobody Talks About: Love Does Not Equal Good Sex

When it comes to sexuality and sexual expression, some of us were raised in traditional families with traditional beliefs. Meanwhile, others are much more open and embrace erotic thinking, passionate conversation and want more of that in our lives.

Sex, like politics, is one of those topics where everyone has an opinion. Yet unlike politics, what you see is no guarantee of what you’ll get.

Many conservative people have non-traditional sex lives (although perhaps with one person over a lifetime) and many liberal people are comfortable with traditional sexual behavior.

How someone embraces their sexuality is a matter of personal preference, experience, and choice.

Across the board is the belief that if a couple isn’t talking about their sex life, it can become dull, boring, and stale. Worse, this can happen to couples in happy marriages, who claim to love each other deeply.

Bottom line: love does not equal good sex and deep intimate connections can produce boring sexual encounters.

Bustle

I had the privilege (and pleasure) of speaking to one of the country’s top thinkers on sexuality and eroticism: Esther Perel. To say that Esther is a breath of fresh air is an understatement.

A New Yorker by experience and a European by birth, Esther has a unique take on the state of our bedrooms today. She isn’t afraid, reticent, or bashful about discussing what’s impeding good sexual connections for couples and singles alike.

For singles, the topic of good sex is important, but it's not something every single person takes seriously. And if they're having sex at all, many are having spotty sexual encounters here and there.

From Esther’s perspective, learning how to keep lust alive in a relationship and create an erotic sex life begins when you’re single because early sexual encounters are alive with passion.

Anyone in the therapy or coaching biz can tell you that when someone is unhappy about their sex life, it’s usually because they are looking back and remembering a "better time."

This often refers to the beginning of their relationship when lust, passion, and heat were easy to come by. Add a few kids to the story, a stressful job, or simply life itself, and sexual encounters change.

Men and women who are cognizant of the power of passion can create a road-map to return to when passion inevitably wanes later in a relationship.

As a married person, this simply wasn’t something we talked about when we were dating, frankly because sex was easy back then. The articles or advice I looked for were on where to meet a good guy, not how to keep one once I had him.

In a marriage, sex is the glue that keeps people together. In good times or bad, if you have a lively sex life, you can go back to your partner again and again for connection and relaxation. 

Medical doctors and therapists agree that couples that have regular sex lives live longer than those who give it up because of age (health issues, of course, notwithstanding).

Simple truth: If you want to live a passionate life with a passionate marriage, you have to understand what creates an erotic love life.

We’re not talking about giving flowers or lingerie here. We’re talking about how to retain your lust for your partner and avoid the pitfalls of becoming just best friends and life partners.

Too many couples decide to err on the side of friendship because it makes us feel secure instead of taking the risky and rewarding steps of remaining lovers.