You won't find new love until you stop thinking about your ex.
When I coach my clients, the place we journey to is a place called gratitude. In fact, I dedicate an entire chapter in my book Goodbye Mr Ex to the art of having a great attitude, as I believe that is one of the most crucial ways of transforming past obssesions into gratitude.
After a breakup, it may seem natural to harbor negativity for the past. You may think you don't want to give your ex the satisfaction of knowing you are no longer angry or resentful. After all he deserves it ... right?
Wrong. The interesting thing about holding onto resentment, anger or guilt is that the only person you are persecuting is yourself — and it will fuel already obssesive thoughts. I know this seems counterintuitive and, for the most part it really is satisfying to be right, but being right will not necessarily bring happiness.
Instead, if you let go of being right and aim for happiness, your behaviors and feelings will change. You will start to feel lighter about your situation and what the future holds. Gratitude will bring about the happiness that you are striving for.
The question is: how do you get to find and settle into gratitude? When I have been through each of my relationship breakups and breakdowns, I have always looked for light in the darkness and darkness in the light. To equilibrate your thoughts and the way you view your life will allow you to come to a place of peace and love. That is: not everything bad is all bad, and not everything good is all good.
You may understand why you'd want to look for the positive in the negative, but why on earth would you look for the negative in the positive? The answer is simple: have you ever obsessed over an ex? Do you find yourself thinking, "I'll never meet anyone like him again," or "What if there is no one else out there like him?"
If that's how you're feeling, it is a good idea to consider some of the not-so-great aspects of your ex and your relationship. Don't dwell, but take some time to remember why you broke up in the first place.
When you see him exclusively in an attractive, positive way, you are, in essence, putting him up on a pedestal. This leaves you in the pit, minimizing yourself and making yourself small. Keep Reading...
More breakup advice from YourTango:
- How To (Finally) Get Over Your Breakup And Move On
- Help! My Last Breakup Scarred Me For Life
- How To Get Over A Bad Breakup