Abuse comes in many shapes and sizes; the emotional, physical or the spiritual kind. Whatever it comes wrapped in will be just as impacting. When coaching women to let go of their ex relationships I see all sorts of behavior that their ex exhibits and in some cases it is “abusive”. However, the most abuse I see is actually the self-abuse that my ladies inflict on themselves, when they live in this sort of relationship.
Abusing self while living in this sort of relationship comes hand in hand. I am a big believer that your outer reflects your inner world, which means that how you let someone treat you usually reflects how you treat you.
Reasons for staying
I understand that leaving an abusive relationship is challenging as you may
a) feel that you deserve the experience you are living, b) you tell yourself that you will be the one to change him as he needs you, c) too scared to leave as you are frightened of his threats and what he will do to you and/or your children (if you have them) if you were to.
Whatever the reason is for staying, there are just as many reasons for leaving and escaping, which (if you are in an abusive relationship) you will have told yourself a thousand times.
So how do you escape from an abusive relationship? In this article I lay out the steps that will help you to get moving on and out of there.
1) Overcome your fear and guilt of leaving
In the first instance it is really important to overcome your fear of leaving. Fear will paralyze you and keep you stuck. The most prominent feeling that most of clients feel is fear, followed by guilt as a close second. Fear keeps them captive as their belief is that they cannot escape without their abuser lashing out. The belief that keeps them captive is usually that their “abuser” needs them. Which of course is not the case.
How do you overcome the fear and the guilt?
Lets tackle fear first. Be mindful of the scenarios that are playing in your head as to what you perceive would be the worst outcome imaginable. It hasn’t happened yet even though you are being threatened. Write down a list of benefits to the worst thing can happen. By doing this you will start to balance out your perception about your future to see that even the worst situation can be a gift.
Guilt is just another way of saying, “I will hurt the person if I do what feels right for me.” This of course is not true. There are always two sides to the story. Leaving your aggressor may ruffle his feathers and may well leave him feeling that he is not able to function without you - however it is his responsibility to find his own happiness and fortune – NOT yours.
To find out how you can overcome your fear and guilt download your *FREE* chapters of my new book Goodbye Mr Ex - A Woman's Guide To Moving On.
2) Protect yourself.
It is important to have a protection plan before you leave so that you (and your children - if you have them) are protected once you have left. Make sure you tell friends, family of your plan and report what you have been through to the authorities. Make sure that you have a secure place to go to. I know quite a few women who have chosen not to because they didn’t feel it was necessary. If you feel that you are in this camp, ask yourself why wouldn’t you? Is it because you truly believe it, or is it because you fear the consequences?
Get real with the reason and if you find yourself still being controlled by fear and guilt, repeat the steps that I lay out in part 1.
3) Heal From The Experience
So by now if you have physically left, it is time to start healing from what you have been through. When I meet women who have been “abused” their sense of self has completely dissolved and so has their self-esteem. So its time to focus on you and start healing what has happened to you so that you can discover your inner power and reclaim who you truly are from the inside out.
When choosing someone to work with, make sure that you chose to work with a professional that will not hold you to how awful the experience was but who will challenge your perceptions so that you take yourself out of the victim mentality. Staying in the victim mentality (no matter how awful the situation was) will keep you hostage to your past and keep rendering you powerless.
To find out how you can heal from this experience, download your *FREE* chapters of my new book Goodbye Mr Ex - A Woman's Guide To Moving On.
In short - first of all you have to realize that there is a problem and that the situation you are living is NOT normal and that you don’t deserve it either.
Your fear and guilt will keep you coming back for more – only if you let them. However you are more powerful than your emotions. That is all they are – emotions.
You then need to leave and protect yourself when you take the plunge. Finally it’s really important to heal from the experience to work with a professional who will re-charge your batteries to bring your power back.
If you want to connect with me and read more of my blogs, videos and download your FREE ebook on 7 Mistakes Women Make To STOP Them Moving On please do so by going to www.DivorceShift.com
Treat yourself to your very own *FREE* chapters of my book Goodbye Mr Ex - A Woman's Guide to Moving On.