Your girlfriend's advice is often the exact opposite of what you should do.
My client, Lily, almost ruined her relationship with Jasper when she took some bad advice from a well-intentioned friend. It was past midnight when Lily lamented to Sophia that she really couldn't tell if Jasper was attracted to her. "I dare you to text him and say that you're coming over for a booty call," Sophia said, egging her on. This is grounds for creating a frenemie zone.
Lily always felt shy and reserved when it came to men. Maybe Sophia was right—it wouldn't hurt to be more forthright, and she could do with a little adventure. Besides, playing the good girl hadn't gotten her anywhere. Lily grabbed her phone, punched in the message and hit the send button before she could change her mind. In a matter of seconds her phone buzzed. "Don't come over. Early day tomorrow." When she saw Jasper two days later, he was angry and said that she was sending him mixed messages, playing the good girl one minute and a tease the next. At our weekly session, tears were streaming down Lily's cheeks as she told me that she felt stupid and humiliated. What could she possibly say to fix the situation?
Have you ever regretted taking relationship advice from a girlfriend? Girlfriends will love and support you unconditionally, but often their advice is the exact opposite of what you need to do if you are going to have an emotionally naked relationship. Let's look at five reasons why listening to their advice might be hazardous to health of your romantic relationship.
1. Your girlfriends will support your insanity no matter what.
Girlfriends are valuable because they love you unconditionally; however, that also means they might support your bad decisions. Your best friend might accompany you to drive by your crushes house to see if he's alone, or sit with you while you stalk his ex-girlfriend's Facebook page. They're your friends for a reason: because they support you no matter what. As a Naked Dater, when your crazy begins to show, you need to find friends who will tell you, "No!"
2. Your girlfriends probably aren't in solid relationships themselves.
People love to give advice, but it's almost impossible to get good relationship advice from girlfriends who are not in healthy, emotionally naked relationships themselves, or in relationships at all. Before you take advice from a girlfriend, look at her relationship, or lack of one, and ask yourself if this is someone who is really in a position to be giving advice. If not, speak to a friend who is in a solid relationship you admire. The only people who are truly qualified to give others advice on relationships are those who are living, breathing examples of what do.
3. Your girlfriends might encourage you to play games—this never works.
I always say that if you play games, you'll attract a game player. The point of Naked Dating® is to become more open, honest and ready for love so you can attract a partner who is in a similar place. Every time you play hard to get, pretend you don't care, or try to make someone jealous, you are not being emotionally naked and you will push love away. As a Naked Dater, you want to look for female role models who encourage you to be real and let down your guard.
4. Your single girlfriends might be jealous of your new relationship.
Have you ever had a friend who is jealous of your new relationship? Sometimes girlfriends become envious of the time you're spending with your partner, especially if they haven't been in a relationship in awhile. This jealousy might affect their ability to be objective and give advice that is genuinely supportive. They might make you feel guilty for spending too much time with your new guy, or say that they don't think he's good for you. You want to have compassion for your single friends while they adjust to your new schedule, but you also don't want to hook in to their fear and negativity.
5. Your girlfriends can only tell you what they would do if they were in your shoes.
When most people give advice, they tell you what they would do if they were in your situation, but they're not you. Only you know the dynamic between you and someone you're seeing. Trust your gut, be open and honest, and when you do need outside help, try seeking the advice of a dating and relationship coach. A coach has the tools and skills to help you get clear about what you need in a relationship. Your best friend might want to date a rocket scientist, while you might be perfectly happy dating a zookeeper. The important thing is to find someone who understands what matters most to you and can support you in creating your dream.
After taking my advice, I got the following email from Lily: Thanks so much! You brought me back to earth for sure! My friends literally give me the WORST possible advice... I think their tricks are what got me into this situation in the first place. They're all about games, and Jasper isn't that guy!
For More Frenemie Advice from YourTango:
- When Should I "Break Up" With A Bad Friend?
- Moving On After A Friendship Breakup
- 21 Inspiring Quotes About Friends From Books We Love