Dating After Divorce Advice For Men: You Can Get Back In The Game

Your divorce is a major life event. Depending on your circumstances, when that final divorce decree comes through, you may have many different emotions. You may be thrilled that the long process is over and you're finally free to move on. You may also be sad that your dream to live happily ever after with your ex didn't pan out. You may be angry for a number of reasons. Maybe the divorce process didn't go your way or perhaps you are angry with yourself for letting a good relationship go south; maybe you are still angry at your ex for cheating on you. You may even be afraid of your new life alone and the prospect of asking women out (and you thought you were done with that when you got married!). Finally, you may be ashamed that you are now a divorced man.

Below are tips to navigate the post-divorce turbulent waters. You can find confidence and new love.

1. How Ready Are You? 
The biggest mistake that men make after divorce is jumping into the dating scene too quickly. This is a time for you to get in touch with your feelings; admittedly something we men generally don't do well. This is a time to heal and regroup, to look within to heal your battle wounds from the divorce. The worst thing you can do is quickly get into a rebound relationship. From a practical viewpoint, women want to have fun with you.  But if all you can talk about is how angry you are at your ex or how sad you are that your relationship is over, you won't be fun to be around.  Most importantly, you don't want to make the same mistakes from your marriage in your next relationship.

Find support for your healing process. Join a men's group, go to therapy or talk to friends who are willing to lend an ear. Just make sure you give yourself the time to get in touch with and resolve your anger, grief, and shame. It is typical to feel like the anger or sadness have subsided, and then to have them resurface again. Don't worry! Although you feel like you have slipped backwards, you really have made progress.

Finally, this is the time for forgiveness. While a door has closed, a new one has opened. Work with a coach, counselor or clergyman on accepting what has happened and moving on. To do this, you must forgive yourself for whatever you feel you did wrong or could have done better. You will also be better off if you can forgive your ex. This doesn't condone her actions; rather it acknowledges that she is human and could have done better or done something different. Forgiveness is not about who was right or wrong, it's about you finding a space of healing and peace of mind. These are all great traits to bring into your next relationship.

2.  Is Your Life Purpose And Life Vision Clear?
We men often need a purpose greater than a relationship to keep us happily moving forward. Since your divorce has upset the apple cart, this is an ideal time to think about your life purpose and your life vision. On the one hand, you may not be able to make major logistical changes since you may have alimony and child support to pay, along with partial custody of your children.

On the other hand, you are back on your own. You made be able to make small, tangible changes in your life. Get in touch with what you really want to do and how you want to live your life. Your life purpose is what really makes you get out of bed in the morning. Your life vision is what you want to have around you, and being confident in that is attractive to other people.

While you may not be able to make major life changes at this point in your life, you can still start moving in that direction. For example, you might start working on a new business plan or gain skills need in your new business or career. These small steps will invigorate you. You'll be excited about building that dream, and, as such, will be have exciting things to talk about with your new dates.

3.  Have You Learned From Your Past Relationship Mistakes?
After my divorce, the last thing I wanted was to repeat my mistakes again in my next relationship. In any failed relationship, both people are responsible for its demise. It is very easy to blame the other person and attribute the failure to her and her actions. If, however, you do not look at yourself and your behavior and what part they played in the failure of the relationship, you are doomed to repeat those mistakes in your next relationship.

You must be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself  "What did I do wrong, and where can I improve?" Are there skills that you need to develop or hone? For example, I recognized that I needed to learn to (1) listen better, (2) apologize when wrong and (3) validate my spouse's feelings. These are three great places to start.

Examine all of your key relationships (including family) for the past 20 or 30 years to determine what patterns show up. Since you are the common element in all those relationships, you are likely to garner some enlightening information about yourself. (I know it is hard to believe, but some of the things your ex said about you could have been true).  Be proactive: ask your family and friends to provide you with feedback about your behavior in relationships. It's difficult to look at ourselves and admit that we made mistakes or can improve in certain aspects of our life, but as President Garfield said: "The truth shall set you free but first it makes you miserable." Keep reading...

More dating after divorce advice on YourTango:

• Dating After Divorce: How To Get Back Out There [EXPERT]
• How To Move On From A Painful Breakup
• 17 Essential Rules For Dating After Divorce

4. Are You Ready For Step One Of The Dating Two-Step?
Once the majority of your anger, sadness, and shame have subsided, and you are feeling more like yourself, it is time for Step One of the Dating Two-Step.  Step One is called "Recreational Dating". Recreational dating is all about just having fun — not looking for a committed relationship.  This is the perfect type of dating to do when you want to go out but have not yet gotten your life completely back on track.

For this to work, you must be upfront and honest with the women you are dating. Let them know that you are recreationally dating and not looking for a committed relationship. Be forthright and say "I've recently come out of a divorce. I'm just looking to meet new people and have fun." Let them know you will be dating other women at the same time. Women may translate just having fun into wanting to have sex (which may or may not be on your agenda). Be prepared for some women to turn you down since they may be looking for Mr. Right and don't want to waste their time "just having fun." It makes your life easier if the women are on the same page as you are.

It is important when recreationally dating to have boundaries — emotionally, psychologically and physically. Decide how much time you need in between dates with each woman in order to keep your boundaries and keep you from becoming attached. Decide if you're going to go "dutch" or if you are going to pay. Clearly communicate this before the date begins to avoid uneasiness at the end of the evening.

Recreational dating can be very informal, for example: meeting for a cup of coffee, a walk, a bicycle ride or hanging out with a group of friends. Remember the goals of recreational dating are to have fun, experience different types of women and to get back into the dating world as you're getting your life back together. If a relationship is starting to develop or you stop having fun, you need to stop seeing each other as both of these are not part of recreational dating. With time, you will be ready for Step Two of the Dating Two-Step: Long-term committed dating.

Being a divorced man and starting over after 50 has its challenges but they are not insurmountable. It isn't about seeing whether you can get into a new relationship faster than your ex; you have 30 to 40 years ahead of you! Take your time and create a better relationship the next time around. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to heal and forgive. Delve into your new life purpose and vision. Develop and enhance your relationship skills. Finally, use recreational dating as a tool to have fun and ease yourself back into the strange, exciting, rewarding world of dating.

For additional support contact Lewis at lewisdenbaum.com
Email: lewisdenbaum108@gmail.com
Phone: 800.639.4505
Also visit MadlyInLoveForever.com