Does Marriage Mean A Lifetime Of Bad Sex?

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Marriage Counselor: Why You're Having Bad Sex
Feeling a little ho-hum between the sheets?

Let's face it: The word "sex" gets everyone's attention. Both women's and men's glossy magazines feature it prominently on their covers at pretty much every opportunity. We want to do it better, longer and more frequently. We search for the G-spot, multiple orgasms and the most erotic positions. And we want to have that hot, passionate, rip-your-clothes-off sex each and every time we get intimate. 

Unfortunately, the longer you're in a relationship, the less likely you will have mind-blowing sex every time. This is one of the reasons many people give for the case that monogamy is old-fashioned or no longer relevant. Here's the good news: You don't have to settle for bad or unsatisfying, sex. But like any troubled area in your life, you need to identify the real problem before you can solve it.

There are five common reasons for having bad sex:

  1. You don't pay enough attention to yourself. You may be hesitant to ask your partner for what feels good, especially if it feels a bit edgy. You may not know what feels good because you've never experienced the kind of pleasure you've been told you're supposed to feel. It's important to remember that you aren't like everyone else — and neither is your partner. You're going to fit together differently and you should open to some experimentation. In addition, what feels good one time may not always feel good the next. Where a woman is in her cycle, body changes due to age or circumstance, and other physiological factors may be at play. Your willingness to learn your body and share that information with your partner is important for good sex.
  2. You don't pay enough attention to your partner. The best sex is not just a physical release; it is also an emotional connection. When you are only interested in your pleasure, sex may be great for you but your partner won't feel the same way. Unfortunately, the increase in the availability of pornography can give you the wrong idea about what your partner enjoys. You may miss the subtle signs your partner is giving about where they are in their level of excitement and pleasure. It's easy to get caught up in what you're feeling and assuming your partner is right there with you. But good sex involves the two of you, paying attention to each other's pleasure while staying in touch with your own.
  3. The time is problematic. This concerns both the time of day you are having sex as well as how much time you allot to your encounter. You may be one of those people who is ready any time of the day. Or, you may find morning sex more to your liking than last thing at night. Setting up your schedule to take advantage of what you know works best for you and your partner will result in better sex for you both. It's also important to have enough time for both of you to maximize your desire. This means making time for foreplay so both of you are able to fully enjoy the encounter.
  4. You've fallen into a routine. Timing plays a role in this as well. Knudging your partner and saying, "It's Saturday night, you know what that means," is a clue you might want to shake things up. If you or your partner, can predict the exact moves made to initiate and complete your sexual encounter, you are suffering from this problem. Massage here, touch there, kiss this, stroke that, get into this position, shift to that one. Same action, same day. Shaking things up is the solution here. This is why vacation sex can feel so different. You're out of your normal routine in a different place with no responsibilities — no wonder the it feels so exciting! But you don't have to leave home to change things up. Developing a sense of play that involves different rooms, clothes, positions, and activities are all good places to start. Take intercourse off the table, focus on pleasing just one of you one time and switch the next, whatever you come up with that you both agree to is a good way to break out of your sexual rut.
  5. Your relationship has other problems. It's commonly accepted that if your relationship is good, what happens in the bedroom is about ten percent of your relationship, but if it's bad, bedroom issues can move up to ninety percent. This is especially true for women because of their connection to the emotional aspects of relationships. Under these circumstances, it is almost impossible for the sex to be great if the relationship is troubled. You may take note that sex isn't as frequent or as pleasurable and think that's where the problem is but this would be a mistake. Paying attention to your relationship and listening to what your partner is saying about their level of satisfaction with it can keep you on track sexually.

It's unrealistic to expect over-the-top, fireworks sex each time you have it. But don't get discouraged: It is also not necessary to settle for bad sex either. Sex, like anything else, takes time and intention. Paying a bit more attention to all of its aspects can have a great payoff in your level of pleasure ... and your partner's.

More sex advice from YourTango: 

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Lesli Doares

Relationship Coach

Lesli Doares, MFT

Lesli writes about issues related to marriage and relationships at afearlessmarriage.com.  She is the author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage:  How to Create Your Happily Ever After with More Intention, Less Work, a manual for couples on how to have a long and successful marriage.  Lesli also speaks passionately on many relationship-related topics.

Location: Cary, NC
Credentials: LMFT
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