Affair Revenge Websites: Unfair Or The Perfect Punishment?

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Relationship Coach: Cheating & Homewreckers
Two new websites exist to call out those who get involved with married people. Is this really fair?

Jezebel recently extended the fifteen minutes of fame the founder of the websites She's a Homewrecker and He's a Homewrecker has been experiencing. The purpose of these websites is to expose men and women who cheat with those already married. If you think these sites are out of line you may indeed believe in the adage that "All is fair in love and war".

If you can't hold onto to your spouse, the problem lies solely with you and your relationship — and your spouse is fair game for anyone who can claim him or her. This is only true if you believe that "fair" is the same as selfish. Now, this is not to let the married partner off the hook. After all, they are the ones who committed their lives to and with another person and then broke that voew. They are the ones who knew they were breaking their promises. However, if you know they are married and initiate or continue the relationship, then you bear some responsibilty for the consequences.

 

When you are the "other" in a relationship with a married person, you are living in a fantasy of your own creation. You believe whatever your lover tells you — how their marriage is over, how their spouse doesn't understand them, how long it has been since they have had great sex, and how wonderful their life is now that you are in it. But what objective criteria do you really have that any of it is true? And that's the problem.

When you are in lust or "in love" in this way, you may believe it is all about you. You tend to rearrange facts to fit your fantasy, not the other way around. You convince yourself that what you want to believe is actually true, and no contrary views are allowed to cloud your blue skies. No many how many holidays you spend alone or how many people you have to keep in the dark, you are sure that your perfect life is just around the corner. While it is possible your lover has spoken the truth about their marriage, why are they still in it? Often, it is because there are children involved. No matter what you think of the culpability of their spouse, their children truly are innocent victims of your behavior. And this is where "fair" bumps smack into selfish.

But being in love isn't about you. Love is about the other person. Being involved with someone who has a commitment to someone else is not loving behavior. Neither is attempting to build your happiness on the backs of innocent bystanders. There is no way you can honestly believe that your lover's children will accept you with open hearts. They will not want to blame their parent for the destruction of their secure home. They will blame you. And it will be a blame that you have honestly earned.

It is hard to look at reality when you are in the throes of infatuation. But real love is based in that reality. It's the behavior of adults who take all the players on the field into account; not just the two at the center. The problem with those who believe there are no rules is that they don't want to deal with the real consequences of their actions. Those consequences will still occur, as the two websites illustrate, no matter how much you stomp your feet and pretend it isn't so.

What do you think? Do you agree that people who are involved in affairs should pay the consequences on sites like She's A Homewrecker? Leave a comment below with your thoughts!

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Article contributed by

Lesli Doares

Relationship Coach

Lesli Doares, MFT

Lesli writes about issues related to marriage and relationships at afearlessmarriage.com.  She is the author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage:  How to Create Your Happily Ever After with More Intention, Less Work, a manual for couples on how to have a long and successful marriage.  Lesli also speaks passionately on many relationship-related topics.

Location: Cary, NC
Credentials: LMFT
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