Is this the beginning of the end?
These 10 things could very well be signs that your marriage is over:
1. You need to be right.
You make sure you're "right" and the way you see or do it is the only way. Yet for some unfathomable, illogical, and annoying reason, your partner refuses to see it that way. At its extreme, this plays out as self-righteous indignation. If you have to be "right," that makes your partner "wrong." Being "wrong" all the time is incompatible with feeling love.
2. You're constantly controlling your partner.
Trying to get your partner to change who they are or how they do things is controlling. You try to eliminate your anxiety or discomfort by trying to get your partner to behave the way you think they should. However, most people don't like to be controlled. In fact, what you will create is push back and hostility.
3. There's unrestrained venting.
When you start to express true feelings, you share all the ways your partner has made you miserable, in detail and with exclamation points. You then start yelling and screaming, name-calling, ridiculing, being sarcastic, and shaming at your spouse. Frequently, this sharing is done in the heat of anger, and, unfortunately, things once said are impossible to unhear.
4. There's also retaliation.
You don't get mad, you get even. You feel justified in your actions because you've been hurt. Retaliation can be direct by blatantly score-keeping, which is when you are purposely nasty. It can also be indirect by behaving in a passive-aggressive manner, which is when you don't say or do something you should.
5. You start to withdraw.
You become emotionally unavailable and either shut down completely or remove yourself from one aspect of intimacy. You stop listening or participating in the relationship at any real level. This can be motivated by fear of conflict, difficulty in being vulnerable to your spouse or just feeling a sense of hopelessness that anything can change.
6. You start making concessions.
This is when you agree to do something you don't really want to do. You might do this because you believe you are being supportive of something your partner really wants. Most often, it's because you are trying to stop a fight, avoid a fight, don't want to make your partner mad or are afraid you're partner might leave. No matter the reason, the end result will always be harmful in the long run.
7. You have to justify your actions.
This is a minor form of retaliation and is often less intentional. It's when you don't do something you know you should and then you provide self-serving reasons why it's okay. You didn't come home at the time you said you would, but it's okay because you're an adult and you're entitled to some fun. Besides, your partner spent the weekend at her mother's and you had to do everything at home.
8. There's a lot of blaming.
Focusing solely on what your partner is doing wrong is relatively easy to do. While blaming your partner may feel good, it won't lead to a happy, healthy marriage. It also puts the emphasis on the negative aspects of your relationship.
9. You tried to rewrite history.
This is a common result when you focus on the negatives in the relationship. If you're unhappy in your relationship, you can convince yourself that it was never good and that the two of you were wrong from the start and never loved each other. You will then act on these beliefs and make your relationship worse.
10. There are feelings of neglect.
This is the most common and the most insidious, damaging feeling in a relationship. Letting the day-to-day routine take over and being too tired to spend quality time with each other is often the beginning of the end. You show your priorities by how you spend your time, and if you aren't taking care of your marriage, how can you expect it to survive?
Several of these behaviors result in feelings of resentment. Once this happens, your marriage is vulnerable to divorce.
If the insights here touch your heart and remind you of your marriage, it's not too late. Schedule a free one-hour brainstorming session with me so we can explore your best next steps and how your marriage can be saved.