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Why Gay Men Hate Their Bodies, Too

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shirtless man slouching on chair
Do you hate your body?
Bad body image is not a plight reserved for heterosexual women.

"I am so sick of my body. I lift weights every day; I eat protein shakes and do everything my trainer says ... and I'm still too skinny!" I pause wondering how to respond.

To show that I understand his angst, I want to assure him that being skinny is a good thing; he should be happy he isn't overweight; he's only 24. But before I can respond, he asks "How old were you when you finally started bulk up?" exclaming, "I hate the way I look! I need more muscle definition in order to get a boyfriend."

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My client, like so many gay men, is convinced that without a gym-buff body, he is unlovable and doomed to be alone for the rest of his life. The objective truth is that he is a good-looking young man in excellent physical shape with a nice face, good hair and and fine taste in clothes. He just can't see himself that way.

Gay men grow up in a world of childhood shame and parental rejection. Even though there has been marked improvement over the past 20 years, the societal message is that being gay is not okay. In his seminal book The Velvet Rage, author Alan Downs, PhD explains that "the trauma of growing up gay in a world that is run primarily by straight men is deeply wounding in a unique and profound way."

Body dysmorphic disorder occurs when people compare themselves to the impossible, Hollywood body standard and believe they are defective because they look different than it. It is also one of the common ways that childhood trauma manifests in adulthood for gay men.

Growing up, boys idealize the men in their lives and strive to be like them. But when fathers, teachers, coaches, ministers and others communicate to boys that who they are is fundamentally rotten, the boys look elsewhere for role models. And in today's world of 24-hour TV and internet, the replacement role models are often the impossibly sculpted bodies represented in the media, and especially by Hollywood. Keep reading ...

Love your body!

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Larry Cappel

Counselor/Therapist

I'm an educator. The subject I teach how is:

Living in the world on the world's terms with balance, calm, patience and serenity.

Are these qualities that you value in your life? If so and you've run into a wall that you can't figure out how to get around then I'm here to help. Call me, email me, or simply schedule your own appointment online now. My passion is to helping people to embrace their true nature and to create a loving, successful and wonderful life for themselves and their loved ones. Change is possible. Transform your life into the life you’ve always dreamed of! Don’t wait another day!

 

Location: Denver, CO
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
Specialties: Abuse / Survivors of Abuse, ADD/ADHD, LGBT Issues (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender)
Other Articles/News by Larry Cappel:

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I can already hear the mashing of teeth and the howls of disapproval when people read this article: “What? I'm supposed to whip my partner or let them whip me so that we can feel more intimate with each other?” Well Yea! Got a problem with that? BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / ... Read more

How to Hold a Grudge Like The Hatfields and McCoys

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I recently traveled to Cuba on a People to People tour. I learned a lot about USA/Cuban relationships or lack thereof. Part of what I learned was how the USA has been holding a grudge against the Cuban people since 1959, 55 years! That’s a long time to hold a grudge and it got me wondering why. I’m reminded of the stories of the Hatfields and ... Read more

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You love your husband, kids and even your family's furry friend who always sheds all over your favorite black pants. But what about loving yourself? Do you actively show yourself unconditional love or do you save it for everyone else? We sat down with life coach experts Larry Cappel, Susan Tolles and Marcy Garcea to discuss what unconditional love for ... Read more

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