Ask Kim: “Who should say I love you first?”

Question:I am in a beautiful relationship that seems quite solid but he has not said that he loves me. Who should say I love you first?” – Tanus D., Calgary AB

Answer: Tanus, I am SO glad you wrote in – I’m always thrilled to hear when past graduates meet a great guy. Many women are in the dark about how to handle this the right way – and overjoyed you’ve provided the opportunity to clear this up both for you AND all my other readers.

Women have become very comfortable asking for what they want, and being quite direct about it in the business world. The thing is, using this same business type approach does not work within a man/woman dynamic – especially when it comes to the first uttering of “I love you”

Let me give you some background on men…

When men first realize they are in love, it freaks them out a little. It feels good and at the same time sets in motion a “processing” phase where they start to ask themselves questions, like:

• Can I really make her happy for the rest of her life – what if I can’t?
• Am I ready to give up my freedom?
• Am I ready to commit to a lifetime with her?

How long this “processing” time takes is different for each man, and depends on many things (his past relationships, history, personality etc…)

This can be a maddening time for most women. All the signs he loves you are there; talking every day, affectionate, great with your kids and maybe even casually mentioning things you can do a year from now or longer.

Meanwhile, you’re thinking “OK, this is all great BUT do you love me!?”

The truth is, if he’s doing all the things I described above and more, he most likely does. However, I firmly insist you do NOT say I love you first. Why? Because he’s probably very much in his processing phase – and you never poke a bear (or a man!) when their in the cave.

A man needs to work through each question/doubt triggered (mostly about his ability to make you happy) so he feels confident sharing he loves you verbally – and means it. When you say it first, it disrupts his process – much like waking a bear in hibernation – and will push him away.

Also, you’ll notice if you said this first with other men in the past, it didn’t feel very natural, right? That’s because you immediately become the “pursuer” – instead of the feminine “receiver” you’re meant to be!

Now, if you’ve been dating for 4 months or more, I definitely recommend sitting down and having a conversation. Please note I said “conversation” not “ultimatum”. Your approach and energy should be with an open mind and heart – remaining unattached to the outcome.

Here’s a first class way to start a conversation like this: