How can you cure sexual dysfunction? First off, stop calling it a dysfunction.
When it comes to thinking and talking about sex, not much has changed over the years. Many of us still think of sex as full-on intercourse. Unfortunately, this way of thinking supports the notion that sex is all about performance when, in reality, there's so much more to sex.
An area in which this misguided notion is especially prevalent is in the advertisements for erectile dysfunction drugs—the message in these advertisements is clearly about being ready for sex, rather than about improving your relationship. And that's where their messages fall flat, and where—in some cases—they even become harmful.
We need to question the use and meaning of the phrase "erectile dysfunction." In many cases, what one is experiencing is not even true dysfunction. If the penis is functioning properly, even in a flaccid state, and there are no other organic issues present, then it's pretty safe to conclude that there's something else going on.
Unfortunately, too many women believe that the sight of their naked body should be enough to bring their partner to a state of full arousal/erection. Meanwhile, it's a known fact that women don't automatically become lubricated upon seeing their partner naked. Isn't this a double standard? Women's Bodies Make Men High, Literally
In addition, it's ridiculous to believe that the only way to be sexual, and enjoy sex, is through the final act alone. I think most of my fellow 31-Day Better Sex Challenge participants would agree that there's much more to a healthy sex life than intercourse.
For those who have tried erectile enhancement drugs, many women have discovered that the presence of a steady erection does not always lead to an enjoyable sexual experience, and certainly does not ensure intimacy. There are many other factors that contribute to a lack of both intimacy and sexual pleasure: stress from work, a poor physical condition, deficiencies in nutritional intake, some prescribed medications, lack of rest, anxiety, depression, lack of communication and, the biggest one of all, attitude!
Think back to when you had your first sexually arousing experience. For many of us, intercourse was not on the agenda, and yet the experience was immensely pleasurable. Instead of focusing all of our energy on performance, we need to shift our mindset to one in which the goals are fun, intimacy and pleasure. It's a hard transition for many to make because both men and women are invested in the erection, and in its use during intercourse. Men see it as the key to their masculinity, and women have their desirability validated by it. Male Take: When He Can't Get An Erection
So when there's a problem, he feels like less of a man. Meanwhile, she worries that she's not sexy enough, or cannot turn him on. When in fact, in my experience, this has never been the case. Rarely are things ever completely one person's fault. As a sex therapist, one of the first questions I ask when assessing a male client is whether or not he masturbates. If he does, I follow up by asking him if he has any problems completing the act? If the answer here is that his performance is "normal"—and a complete medical examination by a urologist reveals the same, and that there are no other organic medical issues—then I conclude that the problem is a relational one. In other words, if his erection functions normally during masturbation, and there is no anxiety around performance, there's something amiss in the relationship.
The great news is that issues of this kind can be solved. And knowing that the issue is not physical provides you with a rare opportunity to get closer to your partner both emotionally and physically, and in ways you may not have thought of before. Stop trying to perform and permit yourself to enjoy the pleasure you both can share. Look at your situation as an opportunity to take your sexual relationship to a place you never experienced together, and revel in how good it can feel to share this with the one you love. Sex Prevents ED