The Secret To Getting Him Back (Without Looking Desperate)

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sad over breakup
Sulking is NOT attractive. He's looking for the girl of his dreams not a needy doormat.

If you're a woman trying to get your ex back, you've likely taken the "desperate times call for desperate measures" approach, causing you to do all kinds of unfortunate things, including "the walk of shame" and the dreaded "drunk dial". These unflattering behaviors will hardly win his affection back after a breakup. Your antics make you look like a doormat, and will ultimately push him away.

I know how excruciating it feels when you still love him after your relationship ends (or, at least, you think you still love him). I've been that desperate woman who has tried—unsuccessfully—to win (a couple of) my exe(s) back. What I remember most is feeling so insecure during the process and downright embarrassed about some of the things I did in my efforts to prove why they should come back to me. But then a harsh wake-up call came and changed me for the better. 

 

I experienced some big setbacks, including a breakup with a man I loved dearly. I was genuinely devastated, and deep inside sensed that our relationship wasn't fully over. The other setbacks were the catalyst for me learning how to love myself. The more I loved myself, the less I felt compelled to behave in desperate ways to get him back.  

My approach wasn't about whether or not he would actually come back. Instead, it was about having an inner-knowing that he would come back if and when he wanted to, while at the same time knowing that I would actually be fine if he didn't. I then followed this empowering, six-step approach that actually did lead him back to me ... at which time, he made me his wife.

Step One: Don't Disagree With Why Things Ended
The truth is, you broke up for valid reasons. If he mentions those reasons, don't dispute them. Have the courage to hear the truth in what he's saying, acknowledge it and apologize for it. It's better to be happy and loved than to be right about everything. Wanting to be right (versus hearing the truth of how he felt while in a relationship with you) is your ego stepping in and overshadowing your soul's desire to be happy and loved.   

Step Two: Don't Try To Convince Him To Come Back 
Trying to convince your ex why he should come back just pushes him further away. It reinforces why he's better off without you because you appear needy and desperate and like you haven't heard anything he's tried to communicate. Needy and desperate are traits that will kill any attraction any man may have for you. Men are drawn to women who are happy with themselves. So, be happy, live your life and let your radiant energy shine, causing him to second guess why you're not together. Remember, you are a prize (treat yourself like one). You should never have to convince him to be with you. 

Step Three: Take Responsibility For Your Role In The Breakup
Hard to admit but true: in every breakup you've experienced, you were the common denominator. Instead of blaming him exclusively for what happened, look within and determine how you specifically contributed to the demise of your relationship. For instance, do you tend to question your exes about their whereabouts because you have a hard time trusting them. If so, those are your trust issues to address and fix, not his to magically resolve. Do the inner work to learn how to trust your own judgement so that you can be more trusting. That way, if he does come back, this issue won't resurface again and contribute to another breakup. 

Step Four: Let Him Come To You 
A man places higher value on what he has to work for. When you miss your ex, don't make it easy for him. Instead of calling him during a weak moment, call a supportive friend instead. The space created during your breakup lets him actually see if he misses you. Let him wonder what you're doing. He will begin to contact you because he wants to see you, wants a booty call (definitely politely decline), misses you, etc. When he reaches out, respond warmly but appropriately until you know what his intentions and motivations are. Avoid having sex with him until the issues that led to the break up are resolved.   

Step Five: Put Yourself First 
Treating your life like it is important and of value is attractive. So, put yourself first and do what's best for you. When your man comes back to you, don't just pick up where the relationship left off. He'll have more of an incentive to truly resolve the issues that led to the breakup because he wants you back. Now is the time to address and work through these issues. Don't let him convince you that the problem was yours. Even if the problem started with you, the way he responded or didn't respond made things worse. 

Do the inner work to resolve these issues without letting him know you're doing the work. The reason you don't need to let him know is because he won't believe it until he experiences the changes. Just do the work and see how he responds. If he responds positively, you're moving in the right direction. If he continues behavior that contributed to your breakup then you don't want him back—he's not the one for you.

Step Six: Hold A Clear And Positive Vision 
Be clear about how you want your relationship to be this time around. Then behave and act in ways that support your vision and make you feel good about yourself. Let things unfold naturally and stay open to the outcome. If you find yourself becoming obsessed with getting your ex back, relax and trust that things will work out for your greater good. If he doesn’t come back, understand that there may be someone else who is better for you. Let God, the Higher Power, the Universe (or whatever you believe in) bring you the man you're supposed to be with.

One Very Important Caveat:
Remember, this man is not worth getting back with if he uses you, is a freeloader, is verbally, physically and/or emotionally abusive towards you, influences you to do things that are immoral, unethical or illegal, has substance abuse problems, blames others and never takes responsibility for himself, cheats, lies or can't be trusted.

However things turn out with this man, I promise you—you will be fine. The benefits of my 6-step approach are immense. If he comes back, you'll have a more loving and fulfilling relationship. You'll have set a higher standard for how he loves and treats you. And, if he doesn't come back, you are a stronger and better version of yourself. You will attract a man who is therefore better for you. In either case, you will have a more loving relationship with yourself. 

Please feel free to share your comments and thoughts on the topic of how to get him back without being needy and desperate.

And if you're getting lackluster results in love, take the Love Indicator Assessment. You'll receive a free 6-page report that shows where you're at with love, the reasons you haven't found it yet, and what you can do to immediately improve your love life.

More juicy content from YourTango:

How To (Finally) Get Over Your Breakup And Move On
Help! My Last Breakup Scarred Me For Life
How To Get Over A Bad Breakup

Photo: WeHeartIt

Article contributed by

Janet Ong Zimmerman

Relationship Coach

Relationship Coach for Successful Women

Co-Author of International Best Seller "Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life"

Having a hard time finding success in love?  Take the Love Indicator Assessment. You'll receive a free 6-page report showing where you're at with love, the reasons you haven't found it yet and what you can do to immediately improve your love life.

For more dating and relationship support, join Love for Successful Women's Google Plus Community.

Ready for love?  Contact Janet at janet@loveforsuccessfulwomen.com or 949-278-4792.

Location: Irvine, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support
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