Read it. Learn it. Live it, gentlemen.
In today's society, sex is the constant focal point, no matter where you turn. The the current topic du jour is female sexuality with articles, books, and movies debating "what women want" and how to make women putty in a man's hands.
Contrary to popular belief, women are not looking for a gladiator in the Boudoir that will supposedly give her endless hours of body rippling orgasms, with his ever hard Man Rod — this simply is not reality!
Not only does this "goal oriented" way of looking at sex create performance anxiety, for both woman and men, it also sets up a dynamic where a woman is left feeling disconnected and distant from her partner due to the lack of depth and connection.
So men, if being good in bed with women is a true goal (actually good, not just telling your friends you are) ... her are five things you MUST understand about unleashing a woman's ecstatic energy and not just "getting her off."
1. Intimacy matters
For many women, connection starts with communicating. Men are typically very visual creatures, whereas women need to develop a bond with their partner over time. This may include sharing her concerns around insecurities regarding her body image, vulnerability, commitment issues (yes, women can have commitment challenges!), even past traumas and abuse.
By letting her know that you are a strong, safe and supportive non-judgmental presence in her life, it can help her feel not only physically connected to you, but strengthen her emotional bond with you as well.
2. Don't assume, actually ask her what brings her pleasure
Many times, men find themselves using the same cookie-cutter techniques they've used since the dawn of time. Newsflash! All women are not the same! I can't emphasize this enough. (Also, porn is lying to you about what pleases women.) Look, there's a good chance that what worked on Sally 15 years ago is now bombing terribly with your present partner. So keeping this in mind, ask your partner what lights her up, what she's not open to and what she would be willing try.
Be a supportive and safe container for her to really open up to you about any fantasies that she shares. The more a woman feels comfortable and safe with her man, the less inhibited she is expressing herself. Perhaps, even suggest "sex dates" where the two of you explore each others "Hot Buttons," with a primary focus on exploration, and not so much on intercourse or orgasm.
This takes performance anxiety out of the picture. Paying close attention to what a woman shares with you about her pleasure makes her feel desirable and comfortable in her skin, sexually and emotionally.
3. Her sexual response takes awhile to warm up (and that's a GOOD thing)
The average intercourse session between a man and woman lasts anywhere between 7-16 minutes. And it can take a woman up to 40 minutes to experience an orgasm. Is it any wonder why so many women express frustration and disappointment for not feeling "orgasmically" seen?
Most people do not realize that men and women go through this cycle differently. And sadly, the art of foreplay has fallen by the wayside — especially with most films depicting the "30 second fondle" before getting to bumping and grinding.
Many women need build-up from foreplay and that doesn't just begin in the bedroom, but outside, too. Sending a sexy (but not crass) text or email, a lingering heart felt hug, deep kissing or sensual touching are great ways to get things stirring for her. She may also feel open to viewing adult films, playing with toys or experimenting with saucy role playing.
Again, ask her what she finds pleasurable and titillating. Delicious, slow building foreplay creates anticipation, excites her senses and immerses her fully in her body. Thus, giving her permission to show off the best version of her sexual self.
4. YOU understanding how female orgasm actually works is vital
Our culture places so much emphasis on vaginal orgasms in its representations of sex. As a result, many men do not realize there are other ways to stimulate women. Read any romance novel or watch a steamy sex scene and the "go to" technique we're often fed is that vaginal thrusting enough times bring a woman to orgasmic bliss. THIS is rarely the case.
Studies reveal that approximately 80 percent of women do NOT experience vaginal orgasms and require other forms of stimulation to her genitals, in order to experience orgasm; numbers like this paint a picture of just how many women aren't feeling sexually satisfied.
Here are the three types of orgasms that women can experience are:
- Clitoral: The clitoris is by far the most sensitive part of a woman's body, with a whopping 8,000 nerve endings, its soul purpose is to bring pleasure, requiring direct or indirect clitoral stimulation with fingers, toys, mouth or penis to experience orgasm.
- Vaginal: Only a small percentage of women actually have an orgasm from penetration only and usually there's some form of clitoral or G-spot stimulation during penetration.
- G-Spot: This is more of an area than a spot — located an inch or two just inside the front vaginal wall and feels a bit rougher than the rest of the vagina. A gentle stroking of the area may produce an intense feeling of needing to urinate, so this exploration is best done after the woman has emptied her bladder and is in a state of arousal. Sometimes if you stimulate the G-Spot, she may experience female ejaculation, but not always. Just know that this is not Urine. There are numerous educational videos on the G-Spot. (Here are some of my favorites.)
5. She needs sleep
This is an area that is over looked time and time again. Modern day women are held to a standard of being superstars in the boardroom and porn stars in the bedroom. Is it any wonder that sleep suffers? The last thing on a woman's mind after being on the clock for 12+ hours is coming home to serve as a sex kitten. She is most likely justifiably tired, wired, overwhelmed and could really use some support.
Again, this is where communication comes into play. Asking a woman how you can support her is music not only to her ears, but to her heart and body. Knowing that you're there to help ease the pressures of everyday life, she can naturally start to relax and come down off the ceiling. Simple things like helping her do the dishes, preparing meals, or even a 15-minute foot massage on the couch helps her get back into her body; this is a must before any kind of arousal can take place for her.
When her oxytocin tanks are full and she feels well-rested, cared for, and supported by her man, this is when she is able to surrender herself fully to sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
At the end of the day, taking time and being fully present with your significant other — seeing her as the beautiful, mystical goddess that she is — holding the space for her to express herself in a way that brings her joy, ecstasy and her greatest self, is the most sacred gift you can give her.