By Laurie Mintz, Ph.D . for GalTime.com
Teaching your husband to be good in bed is similar to teaching a teenager to drive. You have to know how to drive yourself. To teach your teenager to drive, you need to know where the gas pedal is located and how to push it; to teach your husband to be good in bed, you need to know where your hot button is located and how to turn it on.
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To teach your teenager to drive, you have to refrain from using a sharp tone of voice-such harshness will only make your teen anxious while driving and less likely to want you as a driving teacher. To teach your husband to be good in bed, you have to refrain from shaming and blaming statements-such nastiness will only make him anxious and angry and less likely to perform well in bed. Teaching both skills requires giving clear and direct verbal instructions, as well as providing demonstrations. With both, sometimes you have to put your hand over theirs and show them the way to go.
Give Him the Keys. The vast majority of women will not reach orgasm with intercourse alone and instead, require direct clitoral stimulation. Despite knowing that clitoral stimulation leads to orgasm during masturbation, many women (and even more men) cling to the mistaken notion that the woman should orgasm during intercourse. Husbands become better lovers when they understand the realities, rather than the myths, regarding how women's bodies function. Just like your teenager can't learn to drive if you don't give her the keys to the car, your husband can't improve as a lover if you don't know about and show him the keys to your body.
Slow Down! Although there is great variability, men take an average of 4 minutes to reach orgasm once they begin intercourse and women take somewhere around 11 minutes. This is not 11 minutes of intercourse; it is 11 minutes of stimulation. This amount increases with stress and exhaustion. Just like your teenager can't drive well when speeding, your husband can't be a good lover if you are both rushing to finish.
Stop Faking. Research shows that more than half of women fake orgasms. Reasons for this, such as protecting husbands' feelings, are explained in my Psychology Today blog, Orgasms: You Can't Fake it Till You Make It. Faking won't improve your husband's skill. It will do the opposite: He will think you liked what he was doing and keep doing it, rather than learning what you need for a real orgasm.
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Start Talking. In my book, A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex, an entire chapter is dedicated to improving sexual communication. Couples are encouraged to talk about sex as they would any other topic. It would be unthinkable to tell our spouses that talking about parenting made us uncomfortable and have this be accepted as a legitimate reason to shut off discussion. Sex needs to be a topic for open dialogue.
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