A little awareness can go a long way. Here are two technqiues that will help you "slow down"...
Curb your enthusiasm, guys: There are effective solutions for premature ejaculation. The best approach is a combination of body, mind, and spirit.
When it comes to sex, a little awareness can go a long way. Both self-awareness and awareness of your partner, says clinical psychologist Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D. (a.k.a. Dr. Love), author of Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict.
She describes three kinds: Making the “big head” aware of what the “little head” is doing; becoming aware of your own intimacy issues; being more aware of your partner.
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Premature ejaculation is a mechanical issue that the mind can master, says Dr. Turndorf: “Lots of men are premature ejaculators because they haven’t learned to recognize the ‘premonitory sensation’, the point just before the point of no return.” That is the point at which ejaculation becomes inevitable.
Too often, men are so gung ho about getting to that feeling of heightened arousal that they fail to slow down in time to prolong the experience. “You need to train your little head to go slower,” says Dr. Turndorf, who recommends two techniques:
- The Stop-Start Technique. “Just stop stimulation, until the sensations settle down.”
- The Squeeze Technique. This is often more effective than stop-start, says Dr. Turndorf. “Pay attention to the premonitory sensations and squeeze the head of the penis just below the coronal ridge until the sensations calm down, and then you can begin stimulation again. Couples can do this together as a way of practicing and making it a team effort.”
Start with these mechanical techniques, and then move on to psychological issues, suggests Dr. Turndorf. “A lot of men suffer from a fear of becoming too close and intimate, which is caused by an unconscious terror of being emotionally devoured and taken over by one’s partner,” she says. “One way to avoid getting too close is to have sex be an in-out operation. So you’re in, and you’re out, before you get too close, before you get too smothered.” In addition, she says, “men can sometimes be stingy with foreplay or rush sex as an unconscious way of expressing anger.”
If these emotions describe you, working through them is the next step to longer, more satisfying sex. A little self-awareness can go a long way toward making it possible to slow down.
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The final step is the meeting of two minds. “That’s what sex is supposed to be, the ultimate meeting of the mind/body/soul,” says Turndorf. “If you engage in sex the way it’s meant to be, it’s a passport to your spiritual development and enlightenment. It’s about putting yourself in your loved one’s shoes, and devoting yourself to making your partner happy and feel first in and out of the bed.
“The word ‘consummate’ means to bring to fruition or completion. In the olden days, people didn’t have sex with each other until they were ready to consummate their love relationship. They’d think about sex as a total expression of love. It’s all about putting the other person first. Identifying with your partner’s feelings, emotions, body, and physical response. You make the act really be about expressing love, not about cleaning the pipes and being selfish. It’s about a total move from selfishness to selfless love. Then the act becomes the real mindful expression of selfless love.”
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