You think you're right. He thinks he's right. Truth is, neither of you are.
Jack and Betty come to their second couples counseling session obviously tense. "So what happened?" I ask. Jack sighs and Betty says, "You were so mean to me last night! You were angry and raised your voice and told me you didn't want to talk to me."
"What?" says Jack, surprised. "I was just busy. I tried to tell you I can't do our vacation planning right now because I have to finish something for work. I even remember being calm about it. But then you got really upset and yelled at me!"
Have you and your partner had a similar experience? Do each of you remember a situation quite differently and then argue about who's right or wrong? Once you get sucked down that rabbit hole, you're not even talking about the i ssue itself anymore — you're just trying to prove whose version of what happened is the right one. How do you fix the relationship?
Strong Emotions Are Sticky
Why does this happen? Well, we're not computers, and our memories are deeply affected by the emotions we're feeling. If something feels emotionally neutral, we might not remember it — because we don't need to. It doesn't threaten our sense of self, and so it doesn't affect how we approach future events. Can you remember what you ate for lunch two days ago? Maybe you can (if it was intensely good or bad), but otherwise, remembering what you ate probably took some effort.
We tend to remember an event more easily when it carries a strong emotional tone. These include the fun times as well as the unpleasant, but unfortunately, negative, painful situations can be especially memorable. (This is what psychologists and neuroscientists call the brain's "negativity bias".)
Our Interpretations Determine Our Emotions
Here's the thing: our emotions are a result of our interpretations of the situation, not the situation itself. The process can be described sequentially, like this:
- An activating event triggers your
- interpretation of what happened, with a resulting
- emotion that creates your particular
- memory of the event.
So when Betty heard what Jack said to her last night, she interpreted it as him blowing her off. That interpretation created a hurt feeling, which then colored her memory and therefore her reaction to him. As a result, the details she remembered were of him being unavailable and angry. Jack, however, had a neutral interpretation of his own behavior, but later felt upset when he saw Betty flare up. What he brought to therapy was his interpretation of her upset feelings.
How to Break the Cycle?
So what can you do about this?
- Stop arguing about whose recollection of the event is correct. Both partners usually have some version of the truth, but not the whole truth. It's likely that you're missing some key pieces of information about the other person's experience (or intentions).
- Try to understand what your partner felt and why, even if you don't agree with it. Accept that it's their version of the situation, and what they need is for you to listen to how they feel and show that you understand it.
- Try to understand how they might have gathered this impression (even if you didn't mean it), and help them understand that your intention was different than what they received.
If you both reframe these arguments to try to understand each other's experience rather than proving you're right and they're wrong, you'll go a long way toward dissolving your relationship conflicts.
Sometimes this can be tough to do without guidance — that's why The Couples Center is here. Our couples counselors in San Francisco, the East Bay and the South Bay are passionate about giving you the skills you need to create a more fulfilling relationship. For practical tools, sign up online for our free gift, Secrets of Successful Relationships. If you and your partner are in frequent conflict, don't hesitate to contact us today.