I was having lunch with Dr. Marty Klein last week, author of the groundbreaking book, Sexual Intelligence. Marty is one of my favorite people to talk to because he is smart, funny and can talk about sex the way most people talk about gardening — just normal, everyday conversation.
After we'd ordered our shrimp dumplings and pot stickers, I asked him, "Okay, Marty, what would you say, in general, is the number one thing that couples could do to improve their sex lives?" He paused over the steaming shrimp. "Go on an intercourse moratorium!" He went on to explain how most people think of intercourse as "real sex" and everything else as foreplay or "not real sex."
The belief that intercourse is "where all of this is supposed to be heading" doesn't allow for other interesting and provocative forms of sex to be satisfying on their own. What happens if you have wonderful oral sex, manual sex, foot sex and every-other-part-of-the-human-anatomy-sex and just never get around to the intercourse? The idea that intercourse is the only "real sex" would render this as an incomplete experience. "Oh no! We forgot to f*ck! Guess we'll have to start all over again ..."
De-emphasizing intercourse as the only form of "real sex" allows for you and your partner to play, be creative and have fun without a destination in mind. Other advantages include: not having to use birth control, less likelihood of STD transmission, more likelihood of female orgasm (since intercourse is the least successful means to an orgasm for many women) and no requirement for sustaining an erection.
It's like going out for a drive without having a destination. Have you ever gone out for a drive in the country? You just start exploring all these little side roads and end up seeing things and having adventures and meeting people that you would have never had if you were just bee lining it down the freeway to get somewhere by a certain time. The experience just unfolds, full of chance meetings and arrivals at unexpected destinations.
So, what happens if you take out the "usual way" that you have sex? Well, it opens the relationship up to novelty. Again, novelty is one of the key factors in being able to sustain that "sizzle factor" in relationships. And why not bring a little novelty into your sex life? According to everyone I've ever spoken with, most couples could use a little of that! Keep reading ...
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