If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
Lately, I’ve noticed some deeper reasons why women struggle with attracting a good man and keeping a healthy relationship with him going. If you see yourself on this list, don't worry, it's all fixable and I've been there too.
Here are eight sneaky mistakes women make with men:
1. You hate being single.
There is a difference between genuinely wanting to enjoy a relationship and feeling as though you’re secretly doomed if you’re not coupled up.
The problem with really wanting a relationship is that it gives off a needy vibe that guys perceive as "it doesn’t matter if she really likes ME, she just wants someone." This needy energy puts him in the driver’s seat and kills the opportunity to win you over with the chase.
If you’re already in a relationship, not being comfortable with your own company will cause you to settle for situations that are wrong for you because being alone is scarier than anything else.
That brings me to the next point...
2. You think a man will bring you happiness.
Relationships are not the cure-all for your happiness problem.
Being happy with your life just the way it is already is a huge secret to attracting a good man. People are magnetically drawn to happy people.
Because people get this backwards so often, they don’t understand why they fail to attract love. You have to be happy first, then the love and relationship can come into your life.
3. You're too eager to have children or merge a family.
Finding a family man who wants to have children or parent yours (if you’re a single mother) is an amazing thing. And, it is definitely NOT WRONG to want children. You are absolutely entitled to what you want your life to look like.
The problem is that when women look for a man to have a family with, sometimes they come off like that’s way more important than falling in love and having a good relationship.
Marriage and children are very high stakes activities for men — so when they meet a woman who's so focused on the family and less on what he’s like, it is a complete turnoff.
I understand why this happens. If you’re in your 30’s, want children, and are single, the clock is ticking for healthy biological children. If you’re a single mother, you cherish your children and want to meet someone who would be good with them. Either way, the pressure to meet a family friendly man can be big.
The problem happens when women pass this pressure unto men — even when they don’t mean to.
Sometimes women try to "cut to the chase" and ask a man if he wants a family right away. Sometimes women try to figure out whether a man might be open to marriage without really getting to know a man first.
While not wanting to waste time makes sense on paper, in reality, it makes the man in front of you bolt.
Also, wanting the same things is important. However, these are not topics to discuss on the first few dates when you’re getting to know someone before you’ve both even figured out if there's a mutual attraction.
4. You're TOO independent.
I was raised to be capable. It took me awhile to learn that "capable" doesn’t mean "don’t accept anyone’s ideas" or "you always know better" or "treat that man like he’s hired help while he hangs those shelves."
Independence is awesome, but keep in mind that bossy is not. As a recovering control freak, I can vouch that expecting everything to be just-so will kill a man’s attraction to you faster than you can say "put that over there."
5. You make a man the center of your world.
All of the great stuff that comes along with relationship is wonderful.
If you give up your dreams, hobbies, and passions to spend more time with a man, eventually you will feel the pain of losing yourself. He will notice that your emotional world revolves around him — and this is too much responsibility for anyone.
Sooner or later, resentment will bloom and damage your relationship.
You don’t have to sell out for love, quite the opposite. Hold strong to what you really like. If there is one big, fat, major regret I have about my failed relationships, it’s the times I compromised on what I love for a love.
Never make a man your hobby, your dream or your goal. It will hurt you in ways you can’t even imagine right now. There is nothing more attractive than the way someone’s eyes light up when they’re talking about their individual passions. Never compromise that for anyone.
6. You hold undercover negative beliefs about men.
Sneaky negativity about men is a huge reason why men are turned off by women who they would otherwise find really attractive.
If you’ve gotten your heart broken a few times and/or had a shaky relationship with your father, it can be difficult to trust and understand men. This leads to the excruciating, catch-22 position of wanting to attract a good man but not really believing that it’s possible.
If you think that all men want is sex or that they can’t stay faithful, you will manifest exactly those situations! Liking men is essential to attracting a good man and keeping him long-term. Men can sense when you don’t trust them, and it kills all attraction to you.
How do you like men when you have been hurt?
Start noticing all of the times when men do things you appreciate. Keep in mind that guys are just individuals, like members of any other group. Some are bad news and some are wonderful — like women.
Do your best to stop generalizing. It will do wonders for the quality of men you attract into your life.
7. You chase him down.
I recently wrote about how to get men to chase YOU, but it bears repeating that if you want a masculine energy man who will pursue you and cherish your feelings, it has to be his idea. I know how hard it is to sit back and wait for... well... anything... but patience is essential if you want the kind of love that lasts.
From now on, you don’t need closure, to know "why he wasn’t interested" or anything else. Gracefully let dead relationships die and the cream to float to the surface.
If he wants you, you’ll know because he’ll go out of his way to treat you well. If not, drop him like a hot potato.
8. You're ready to ditch your relationship at the drop of a hat.
Commitment-phobia is real — even when you think that you really want a good relationship. Basically, if you’ve ever been hurt or found yourself in a dead-end relationship, the urge to bolt when times get tough can be overwhelming.
When I was a kid, my wonderful mother reminded me often that she was always prepared in the case that she had to support both of us — even though my Dad was very much present and still happily married to her to this day.
As an adult, I understand that her intention was to produce a daughter who could handle herself in the world (thanks, Mom!) but as a child, it terrified me.
For no good reason, I spent my childhood thinking that my Dad was going to bolt and that men weren’t to be trusted. From his actions, my Dad was very committed to our family. But her fear crept into my psyche just the same.
Whatever your personal circumstances happen to be, they shape what you do in the present with the men in your life. I don’t blame you if you have a touch of runaway bride in you like I do.
However, it’s worth the emotional work to get to a place where you can stay and be vulnerable even when things get tough.
To be happy and feel secure in a relationship, people have to feel secure. If you have your running shoes on all the time, it makes your partner feel like you could abandon them at any moment. This is not healthy for either of you. It will destabilize the bond you're trying to build.
In the end, relationships can really hurt, but you definitely won’t save yourself from losing a man by preparing to lose him first.
If you end up in dead-end relationships with men who don't make you feel loved, get to the bottom of it with a free copy of Elizabeth Stone's book Why Men Lose Interest and free daily (almost) email series.