Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

How To Rejection-Proof Yourself So That He Doesn't Break Your Heart

Photo: weheartit
How to Rejection-Proof Yourself So That Man Doesn't Break Your Heart
Heartbreak

Rejection stings, but here's how to get over it.

Dealing with rejection? You’re not alone. When you learn how to cope with rejection so that it makes you stronger instead of just making you feel more insecure, it definitely gets easier.

It may seem far-fetched, but it’s possible to get to an emotional place where rejection isn’t a big deal at all. It can even feel positive after a while.

Getting upset about rejection simply bogs you down. Moping around is, frankly, a waste of time. The sooner you can get over it and move on, the sooner you can get back out there to meet someone great.

Here’s how to deal with rejection without driving yourself crazy:

1. Cultivate a blasé, thankful attitude about rejection.

Letting yourself be interested in someone new over and over again while getting your feelings hurt can make you want to crawl into a hole and give up on dating altogether. It can also help you create some really detrimental negative attitudes about men that will hurt you more than anything else.

This is why it’s to your benefit to be that thankful he’s gone. Don’t become one of those bitter-ass people who come to me, hurt and broken, trying to sell me the same old sob story about how there’s no one good out there (or much worse, that men are jerks). I call bullshit!

No matter what you’re like, in all age groups and across the world, there is someone who you would really enjoy splitting a meal and/or a bedroom with. There are a ton of worthy, beautiful people out there who want to date you.

This is why you should thank your lucky stars that the wrong person for you sauntered out of your life completely on their own! This is freeing and should be celebrated.

Why? Because they were wrong for you. You might feel like you had the rug pulled out from under you but once you get your emotions back on track, it will seem like a real blessing.

2. Don’t let fear of rejection stop you from taking risks. 

The fear of rejection alone keeps so many people from getting what they desperately want in their lives. Don’t be one of those people. I guarantee that you won’t be on your deathbed saying, "I’m so glad I never flirted with that hot guy, he might not have liked me." I feel ridiculous even typing that.

In the long run, regret is much more painful than rejection. If you got rejected, at least you tried to do something! This is infinitely better than letting the chance to gain something great pass you by.

Rejection hurts temporarily and then it’s over. The nice thing is, if you’re getting rejected, someone probably doesn’t want you in their life. This also means that you don’t have to face them while you lick your wounds. If you’re temporarily embarrassed, you can be embarrassed away from them. Perfect.

3. Handle your problems.

Another reason why people run into problems with rejection is that they have those elephants in the room that they use to turn into reasons why another person might not want to get into a relationship with them.

You must handle your problems so you don’t have these skeletons in your closet waiting to become excuses for why you aren’t meeting anyone good.

If you desperately need to fix your finances or see a therapist, do that. If you had a shitty childhood and, as a result, have bad relationships with everyone, find a way to get over it.

If you don’t handle your problems, this will only serve to create more issues. When you meet someone you really, really like, the inevitable "skeleton in my closet" conversation will stress you out and possibly ruin everything. Second, it gives you an excuse for why you’re not meeting anyone good.

So handle your problems now while they are small and before you have to have "the talk" about any of it with a new beau.

4. Deal with your negative attitudes about yourself and the dating pool. 

If you think that you’re a fat sack who doesn't deserve anything good, why in the world would anyone want to be around you?

If you believe that all men are pigs, why would one want to make a life with you?

If you moan to everyone who will listen that all the great guys are already taken, how could you meet an eligible, single one of them?

Here is the reality about paralyzing beliefs. If I believed that the atmosphere outside my house would literally kill me, would I ever go outside? Of course not!

This is exactly what you’re doing to yourself when you stop believing that there is someone great out there for you. You’re needlessly limiting your options and spewing negativity into the world.

It’s time to exorcise these unhappy, negative attitudes. If you have to, get a rubber band and snap it every time you hear yourself saying something negative.

Don’t hate on cute couples. Don’t hate on men. Don’t hate on anyone. When negativity slips out, I want to hear a loud snap of that rubber band.

The alternative is to wallow and stay stuck. If all you really want to do is have cheese while you whine to your girlfriends about your negative feelings regarding the male population, don’t let me stop you.

Just don’t believe that Mr. Right will ever come along or stay long once he finds out how much you hate the menfolk.

5. Let go.

Make it a big, important personal goal to practice letting go of all resentment, anger, and hurt that you’ve experienced in relationships. If you’re bitter and angry, realize that other people can tell, even if you try to hide it. Anger and resentment are like a horrible-smelling perfume that wafts into the room before you do.

If you’re hung up on your past relationships, it’s guaranteed you’re turning people off right and left. A healthy, happy person will quickly tire of dealing with your truckload of baggage.

Let go of all of those people who walked into your life and promptly searched for the door. Don’t call them. Don’t text. Don’t send them Christmas cards. Say goodbye to the hope that it would work out and let their rejection set you free to find the right person. Don’t obsess about the reasons, what you said. or what you did.

Be unapologetic about cutting them out of your life. Move on!

Cultivating anger and negative emotions will just poison you and make it harder to meet someone great.

6. Stop taking rejection, personally.

It’s important to remember that the experience of rejection doesn’t automatically translate into a failing on your part. For whatever reason, you weren’t right for them.

Maybe they are terribly flawed and the relationship was too much for them. Maybe you were too beautiful, positive, happy, or type-A for them. Maybe you were too organized. Maybe they were too self-centered. Maybe the two of you just didn’t click.

It doesn’t matter why you are wrong for someone. If you’re not right for them, you’re not right for them. It is not up for debate.

Don’t fight it or get angry, it’s just a simple fact. I might not love vanilla ice cream, but that doesn’t make vanilla ice cream not worthy, right? Same with you. You just weren’t their flavor.

Understand that this doesn’t make you any less loveable. It doesn’t diminish you that things just didn’t work out.

7. Avoid revenge.

Don’t, under any circumstances, try and "get even" with someone who has rejected you. Don’t even vaguely fantasize about it. Concede that it was good (or not) while it lasted, shake their hand, and move on.

In the case of someone leaving you for someone else or cheating on you, this can sound incredibly difficult, but it’s even more important. They will have long moved on while you’re still holding the emotional bag. Be the classy lady you are and take it on the cheek.

This is not being a doormat, it’s being smart. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

If you appear indifferent to his transgression, leave him, and move on, you will stay on his mind a lot longer than if you went all bunny boiler and gave him a reason to refer to you as "his crazy ex." If you were hoping for revenge, just know that your calm handling of his rejection will drive him nuts for years.

8. Get rejected more often.

If you have to, turn dating into a game. See how many people you can meet in the course of a week. Smile at people. Flirt! Flirt like your life depends on it!

If you must, learn how to flirt. Stop judging people who know how to flirt and vow to learn from them. If you know someone already good at flirting, ask them about it.

If you aren’t getting rejected at least occasionally, you’re playing it too safe. If your feelings are never hurt, there’s a good chance that you’re not getting any closer to meeting the right person.

Practice makes perfect. If you’re getting every door closed in your face, you learn that it's a normal condition and it ceases to hurt your feelings as much as it did in the beginning.

If you’ve always been told how great you are and suddenly go through a divorce or a bad breakup, the spiral can be brutal because you’re just not familiar with it.

This is why it’s critical to get rejected more.

In the context of dating and relationships, this means meeting more people and going on more dates. Go on dates with the long shot. Go on a lot of dates.

If you have to, spare your feelings about the outcome by pretending you’re conducting an anthropology experiment on the human race. Go after people who you aren’t certain about. Face all fear like it’s your job.

Eventually, rejection won’t be that big of a deal anymore because you’ll be so focused on the future that it will only seem like a blip on your radar.

Changing your attitude about rejection can change your whole life. Each and every time you start to feel like someone is blowing you off or that sinking feeling when they want to "talk", I want you to be thankful that you’re getting that much closer to meeting the right person for you.

If you keep getting stuck in relationships that go nowhere with men who pull away, become distant and don't give you the love you really deserve, get to the bottom of it with a free copy of Elizabeth Stone's book, Why Men Lose Interest, and free daily email series here.

 

This article was originally published at Attract The One. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Author
Expert