HATE Sex? Here's How To Start Craving Intimacy With Your Man Again

I spent years leading couples therapy sessions in which the man was resentful and deeply disappointed because — you guessed it — he wanted more sex.

The women too, were often full of despair and anger. What I found confusing was that most of the women were also longing for a juicy connected sex life.

So, the obvious question is: Why were they saying no then? 

I soon began to notice that often the women had needs in their relationship that were not being met. She wanted to feel safer (either emotionally and/or physically), she wanted to feel loved and cherished, and she NEEDED him to respect what aroused her most. 

It dawned on me that women were saying no to sex in marriage, not because, they didn't desire it but because they couldn't open up to their partner under the present circumstances of not being responded to in a way that met her needs, too!

I had this realization reinforced a few months ago while at lunch when I overheard the words "sex" and "Outlander" spoken at a nearby table of three women. Being into both sex and Outlander, I began eavesdropping.

"Did you see the amazing sex scenes on Outlander last night? OMG," exclaimed one woman.

A second woman said, "No, I haven't had time for TV but I read the books awhile back and I do remember they were hot. If my sex life were like that I would say ‘yes' more often. But mostly I feel annoyed and say ‘no' when he asks for sex." She went on — "I do wish Jack and I had that. I wish I felt like saying ‘yes.' And of course sometimes I do say ‘yes' but I rarely feel it."

"I don't know that I ever felt it.," the third woman chimed in. "In fact I don't get the big deal about sex. I don't respond when he initiates sex. He gets the hint. But sometimes I feel like a freak."

"Really?" said the first. "After Jim and I watched that episode, he grabbed me and rolled me on my back and called me ‘Sassenach' [the Scottish term for an English woman, like Jamie calls Claire in Outlander]. I could tell he wanted me and it turned me on. We had such a delicious time making love."

Be honest. Does any of this resonate with you — are you one of these ladies? 

• Woman One: Who feels disappointment or anger (sexually, or otherwise) with your partner, generally rejecting his advances.
   
• Woman Two: Who says "no" because you're never able to feel that erotic passion with your man and you'd rather not put on an act, leaving you feeling used, empty, or worse — humiliated.
   
• Woman Three: Whose sex life is playful and deeply nourishing?

If you are more like women number one and two, I'm sure you've wondered what to do about it.

How can you create a genuine inner desire to have sex?

Most women try many things to get rid of their "no to sex" vibe.  Women try pretending to like sex, or creating distance so he stops initiating, or even avoiding it in many creative ways.

But I want you to try something new!

Did you know that often there is an important message hidden in the "no" you feel about sex?

I want you to try to listen to the "no" as though it were a wise woman (and not some inconvenience or unruly self-betrayer). If you can begin to hear the wisdom in the "no" then it will lead you out of the despair and on the road back to yourself (and him).

The "no" is often your inner messenger telling you that you have a legitimate need that is not being met. A need that's deeply important to you. It's a need that you want your man to meet before you can open up sexually, to your own desires and to him. Once heard, the "no" often reveals a deep longing for sexual intimacy buried underneath it.

But how can you get to your true "yes"?

If you find that the "no" is a signal that some need is not being met, you can take these steps:

1. Affirm to yourself that you have a right to have needs.
2. Identify the need that is not getting met.
3. Find the courage to have a skillful conversation with your partner about how to get your need met.

Then, ask yourself these five questions to help find the need that's not being met.

1. Do I feel physically safe with him?
2. Do I feel emotionally safe with him?
3. Do I feel a sense of belonging with him?
4. Do I feel loved and cherished?
5. Do I feel respected?

If you answered "no" to any of these questions then your heart and body is likely wisely doing their jobs of not allowing you to open fully.

Getting to "yes" sexually with your man requires honoring yourself enough to ask him to meet your needs. Believe me, it's a good thing!

Learn the skills to create the relationship you have always wanted HERE.