5 Questions To Ask About Porn On Valentine’s Day [EXPERT]

Join Dr. Klien for a live interview on Valentine's Day about his new book Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex--and How to Get It. Have a question you want answered about what's happening in your bedroom?  Join our live chat at 5:00pm ET/2:00pm PT for answers to your most common sex and intimacy questions!

Valentine’s Day—the ultimate day of romance, fairy tales, and absolutely ideal intimacy. This year, how about something else—how about honoring your relationship and your sexuality by doing a reality check on an issue that complicates, confuses, and frustrates a lot of people?

Porn. His porn.

Rather than pledging undying love, or pretending you have the world’s first perfect relationship, take a chance. Use your sexual intelligence--and enhance your relationship's. Ask your mate some questions about one of his little habits. It’s a Valentine’s Day gift for both of you. The goal here is communication and closeness, not criticism or conflict. So caution: only ask if you really want to know.

“Why do you watch porn?”

You may assume you know exactly why he does, and you may be right. Or not. There’s only one way to find out. But if you really want to know, you have to convey curiosity, not criticism.

One thing we know about fantasy: it’s a way of participating in a wide range of sexual experiences without consequences. That’s why almost no one fantasizes about partners and activities that are easily available to them. Why fantasize about what you can have, when you can fantasize about something that you’ll never have (Angelina Jolie, double-jointed triplets, your wife’s sister—or brother)? 7 Must-Read Sex Tips

Is his porn watching about you? I don’t know. Probably not. He was enjoying porn before he met you, right?

“Is there anything you see there that you want us to try?”

Most of us enjoy fantasies that we don’t actually want to act out. Sex on Times Square, or with the Green Bay Packers, or with twins may sound like fun, but the reality of it is usually totally different from the fantasy (like sex on the beach). Besides, the very thing that makes a fantasy enjoyable—it’s scary, or dangerous, or completely contrary to your values—may be the very reason you don’t want to do it in real life.

That said, if your mate enjoys watching something that he wants to do and you don’t, you don’t have to do it—and he doesn’t have to stop watching it or fantasizing about it.

“Doesn't it make you desire me less?”