We can all use some fresh ideas when it comes to intimacy! Here are 5 ways to spice things up.
- Use role play to engage your imagination. Remember when you were a child and you used to play make believe? You pretended to be all sorts of different people and tried out many different roles and types of relationships? Perhaps you spent time engaged in Second Life or MORPG (massive online roleplaying game) or played lots of Dungeons and Dragons? People find it invigorating to become someone else for a moment, to act in ways they normally wouldn't. It can be exciting to do things that you may have only dreamed about. Role playing can give you the freedom and the permission to act out in ways that are out of character.
- Surprise a lover with a new experience. Plan a trip to Amsterdam and visit the red light district. Rent an erotic film or book a place for you both on an erotic workshop. Organize a couples massage. New experiences energise us. Sharing them increases intimacy, making hot sex more likely.
- Plan a trip to a sex-related entertainment destination. Visit a strip club, a burlesque show, go see a drag show, visit a fetish club. Go with an open mind and make sure you stay long enough to make that initial uncomfortable anxiety disappear. If you are too uncomfortable to make a trip like this on your own and you don't have a lover to share this experience with (or you don't want to share this experience with your lover), ask some adventurous friends to join you. I have run a series of workshops for over 15 years to help people spice up their sex lives. One of the workshops is a role play workshop to help people become comfortable using their imaginations to role play within a sexual relationship. Another is a workshop that includes a field trip to a fetish club or BDSM dungeon (depending on location). The workshop starts in the evening with a two hour session to discuss rules for the evening, help participants set goals for themselves and details what to expect. By the time we head out to the club, the group is usually relaxed and having a good time. I spend up to four hours with the group at the event. We then meet the next day for up to three hours to talk about the experience and set new goals. People leave the workshop feeling excited, having learned something new about themselves (and if they came with a partner, their partner) and often feeling far more confident.
If you plan to go to a club with a group of friends and none of you have ever been before, it is a good idea to speak to the club or event organiser in advance. Sometimes you can get group rate tickets. You will always get some good information about club rules, what kind of things you can expect to be exposed to, dress code and instructions about safety issues.
- Read a few erotic books or stories that are written about sexual experiences you have not yet experienced. When you have done so, write out a fantasy or two of your own. Spending time examining the experiences of others can give us saucy new ideas. Some of the things we read will bore us, others might make us cringe, but usually there will be something that titillates us and hopefully gets our own creative juices flowing. When writing, remember that you are doing this for yourself, so don't spend too much time obsessing about how well you are writing, how good your grammar is or if your spelling is diabolical. You can worry about all of this if you decide you are going to share what you write with others. If you worry about this when you are writing, you will hold back and might lose focus, making it less likely you will finish a story. If you don't like to write, consider having a glamour photo shoot. Make sure to get references to find a reputable erotic photographer and then talk to the photographer about what to expect on the day. Photo shoots can be extremely exciting once you shed your shyness and can really increase your comfort with your body. If you are in a relationship, consider sharing the photo shoot or having a Scheherazade evening where you read your stories to each other (or make up new stories for each other) and then see what develops.
- Visit a sexy lingerie shop or a sex shop and learn about the sex toys you find there. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and ask the sales staff about the toys you have never even considered looking at in the past. Looking online is not the same, as you cannot interact with others directly and actually see and touch the toys (and learn how to use them). Youtube is no substitute for personal instruction. If you are too embarrassed to go on your own, consider going with your lover or a really close friend. Going in a group is another option.
When trying new experiences that you find somewhat emotionally risky, it is a good idea to avoid drinking too much alcohol or using any other mind altering substances. If you are going to places on your own, make sure that friends or family know where you are. No matter how excited you get, don't forget your common sense. If you wouldn't normally leave a local pub with a stranger and go back to his or her home, don't leave a sex club with a stranger either. Keep your personal data to yourself until you have developed some trust with new acquaintances or you have been able to verify their information.
Finally, enjoy yourself! Take the time to make the most of all aspects of your life. You deserve to have an electrifying sex life, and you can create one with some courage, imagination and persistence.
Dr Lori Bisbey
Relationship Coach, Psychologist
Dr Lori Bisbey works with bright motivated couples and polyamorous groups of all ages, genders, races and sexualities who want to create long lasting passionate relationships. Anyone can create the love and intimate relationships of their dreams. If you can see it and you are committed to growth, communication and getting out into the world; you can create it! The relationships you want start with you. You can connect with Lori face to face, at a workshop/lecture, in a WebEx seminar or group, or set up a Skype chat and start your journey now!