Are these 6 major no-no's on your dating checklist?
You'd think that by the time a man is 40, he'd be focused, mature, and established. Wrong.
Ladies, don't get your feelings hurt when real life snaps you out of fantasy and back to reality. There is no Mr. Perfect out there for you in the dating world! Beyond that, age has little (if anything) to do with a man being focused, mature, or established.
If that were the case, why would a man over 40 really need, or be receptive to, a life partner? And the last thing you want is a man who "has everything" and therefore thinks of you as an accessory. (Trust me, you will regret it sooner than later.)
What you do want in Mr. Right is a man who appreciates and values you.
From my observation, history shows that after men obtain fame, wealth, and power, the next thing they play with ... is people. Unless you're crazy, you do not want to end up being any man's toy.
There will always be someone else who is more fun than you, who's finer than you, and is more captivating than you, at least in his head.
Most men who have their stuff together at or around 40 have little interest in settling down.
Here's the reality. If you take into consideration that women outnumber men 20 to 1, the odds are already heavily in the eligible bachelor's favor. It doesn't stop there. Throw in gay men, undesirables, jail birds, and married men with morals and the numbers go to 200 to 1.
That's where knowledge about how to spot a decent guy with relationship potential comes in. Without it, you're more than likely to keep kissing frogs while the clock continues ticking. If you take heed to what you're about to read, by the time you finish with this article you'll be way ahead of the competition.
This leads me to my next point. Like it or not, you are in competition for the few (and I do mean few) decent, emotionally stable, upwardly mobile men that will take you serious and not waste your time. To make matters worse, society has totally brainwashed us.
The brainwashing ranges from the myth that men prefer younger women, women with big boobs, big butts, or blond hair. None of that is true; there is no pattern. Correlation doesn't infer causation, though it is true that we appreciate women who are height and weight proportionate with a nice figure.
The type of man you're looking for is naturally attracted to a woman who takes very good care of herself and is also emotionally stable, realistic, and great company. Whether you are 25 or 55, men like women who aren't afraid of being sexual, sensual, intelligent, fun, and supportive.
Let's face it, all men are little boys at heart and are looking for a real friend more than a wife. The only person you're competing with is yourself.
There are, however, three main things you can work on to hedge your bets:
1. Be, and remain, approachable. Ninety percent of cheating is with a woman who a man feels empathizes with him. Beyond that, it's typically with a woman who he considers a "friend." The benefit to you is you get to know him at his core, not on a superficial level.
2. Throw out demands and expectations. Allow who you really are to work for you. Time is your friend. Over time, your natural gifts and your authentic personality will speak volumes about who and what you are. Quality cannot be denied. If he doesn't see it, it's his loss, not yours.
3. Throw out the 90-day rule. Would you want a man to wait 90 days before he expressed his desire or interest for you? I'm not advocating that you sleep with every man you meet on the first date. What I am advocating is that you eliminate cookie-cutter approaches to dating.
Go with the flow. The type of man you want and deserve can get sex all day/every day. Men feel insulted, even offended, when you act as if you have the Holy Grail in your panties. If anything, treat him like you value what's in his pants as much as you value whats beneath your lingerie.
Both men and women often sabotage a potentially good relationship before it even gets off the ground. Generalizing or stereotyping is not only foolish when you think in such terms, but when you articulate it, boy have you screwed up.
You're probably asking yourself, "Dr. D, what's stereotyping and what's sabotaging?" I'm glad you ask. The following list consists of things that run decent guys off, especially men over 40. If you employ these few simple strategies you can avoid blowing a good thing with a great guy.
Here's a simple checklist of things you do NOT want to say or do:
1. Stop with a list of grievances. Instead, create a list of deal-makers. Do not go on a first date, or within the first few dates, discussing what gets on your nerves about men. Talk about the qualities you appreciate in a man.
A good strategy to employ is talking about the positive character traits that your father, brother, uncle, or even a character from film or television portrays. In doing so, you're killing two birds with one stone.
You're sending a solid but non-offensive message to what attributes and personality traits you prefer and expect from him. You're letting him know that if he doesn't naturally possess these, then it's a deal breaker.
2. Don't mention that you only date a certain type of man. That's a big one. It doesn't matter if you're a white female that likes to date brothers, or a black woman who prefers white guys. Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Men feel objectified just like you do. Recently, I went out on a date with a woman who told me she only dates black men and how much she won't date a man of her own race. By the end of the date I felt worn out. I felt as if she'd picked me out of the Million Man March (which, by the way, I didn't participate in).
Men want to feel that there's something special and unique about them, and that's why you picked them. Anytime you continue to stress demographics about men that get your attention, you are concurrently losing attention from the man before you. Instead of looking selective, you're making yourself look like you have a fetish.
3. Never pressure a man into declaring his intentions with you. Just as in business, you don't like being corralled or feeling ambushed. The same rules apply to dating, especially on the first or within the first few dates. Not only will you run him off with the quickness, but you're setting yourself up to get played for a fool.
Men that want to get into your panties or use you for selfish gain will see that as a road map to your weak spot. You compromise yourself and making yourself look desperate. Mature, self-aware, self-actualized men are not interested in controlling, desperate women. They are highly attracted to women who are secure within themselves.
Besides, you don't want to become the woman a guy ends up with. Your best bet is act like the woman he realized complements him best. Be the one who's a cut above. Men who have the best want the best.
4. Never play games. When you have no expectations you cannot get disappointed or hurt. Doing childish things, like pretending you are unavailable when you know you aren't, always putting your friends and family into your relationship, or having a 90-day rule, never works.
Like yourself, men like authenticity and transparency. If you don't have anything planned, or you're bored and lonely as hell, tell the truth about it. Pretending you are "Ms. Make An Appointment" will leave you out in the cold. Also, managing your life by committee is not only a sign that you have low self-esteem, but it's a complete turn-off.
Decent men appreciate a woman who is her own person. When it comes to sex and intimacy, there are no rules. If he's a good guy, you could sleep with him on the first date and it will not change how he perceives you. What matters to men most is what you do after you sleep with them, not how long it took.
Most men that go along with such cosmetic rules only do so because after the date is over, or they leave your company, they have a woman who's ready and available for sex. Don't let the fact that he's playing your game fool you. If you do, rest assured you will definitely lose in the long run.
5. His challenges show you what your potential suitor looks like. Now, here's the pièce de résistance. Most decent men either just came out of a storm, are heading into a storm, or are in the midst of one right now. Whatever the circumstances, this works to your advantage.
If he's headed into a storm, it will reveal his ability to handle pressure. If he's in the midst of a storm, it shows you what you can expect when you face relationship challenges. If he's coming out of a storm, pay close attention to what he says he's learned from it. Does he take responsibility for his actions? Did he learn anything? Or, did he just blame other people?
There are lots of good men out there. Trust me, I know because I am one of them.
6. Look at the small things he does. How does he treat wait staff at a restaurant? Is he arrogant or polite? What types of friends does he have? Remember, birds of a feather do flock together. How does he talk about his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? That's a major indicator of how he sees women.
If all of the aforementioned things are sound, he's probably a good guy. If more than half of what you see raises red flags, then maybe he's just not ready.
Dating over 40, A woman’s guide to finding the right guy! by America's Leading Relationship Expert, Dr. D Ivan Young.