Always Attracted to the Wrong Person? End the Pattern in 3 Steps

Patterns are your automatic, default ways of being. They’re how you naturally react to circumstances in your life.

Patterns are everywhere. Life is full of them.

Maybe your pattern for dealing with stress is to grab your credit card and log onto Amazon. Or run to the refrigerator, or vent to your best friend. If it’s what you “find yourself” doing when you haven’t thought about your options or made a conscious decision, it’s a pattern in action.

Maybe your pattern for dealing with a new or uncertain situation involves talking excessively to break the ice. Or claming up or telling self-depreciating jokes. Whatever your natural response is, that’s your uncertain situation pattern.

Not surprisingly, you have patterns in relationships too. Everything from who you love to how you love is a series of patterns you’ve developed and honed over the years.

The kind of person you’re attracted to is no exception. In fact, it’s probably one of the biggest and baddest patterns there is.

People come to me all the time wondering, “Why am I attracted to fill in the blank?” Why am I attracted to people who treat me badly, emotionally unavailable men, legally unavailable men, gold digging women…I’ve heard it all.

And the truth is, I don’t know why you’re attracted to them. Sure, maybe you’re afraid of commitment. Maybe the nice, stable, available partner also leaves you feeling scared and vulnerable. But in the end, the why doesn’t matter all that much.

What really matters is not necessarily understanding your pattern, but changing it. What really matters is that you start acting in service of your broader intention to be in a happy, healthy relationship instead of running on auto-pilot and letting your pattern call the shots.

So, how do you change a pattern? Here’s how:

1. Become uber aware

The first step to ending your pattern is to catch it. When you see the pattern starting to run, you can consciously and deliberately re-route. Remember, patterns are your automatic response—they’re what you do without thinking. So the earlier you notice the pattern starting, the better your chances of stepping in and interrupting it.

To catch it early you have to be awake, aware, and uber conscious. For example, let’s assume you’re aware that you tend to fall for jerks—that’s your pattern. Get familiar with the early warning signs that your pattern is about to strike. Maybe just being attracted to a new guy is a warning sign that he’s probably a jerk. Or maybe you there are other signs, like he doesn’t ask you questions about yourself or he’s inconsiderate.