10 Lies I Believed About Men & Relationships


10 Lies I Believed About Men & Relationships

When I was just twenty-four years old, I attended my first big personal growth seminar about relationships. There were over four-hundred women in attendance and the person running the show was a fifty-year old man. There were so many assumptions about men and relationships that I made up that were simply not true. Some of the ideas I learned were shocking, while others were very liberating.

Keep in mind that all men are different. There are extremes of the super sensitive guy to the beer-drinking sports guy who refuses to talk about his feelings. Over the past twenty years dating many types of men in all ages, shapes and colors, I have witnessed the truth of these ideas. Sometimes I resisted these facts, ignored them and, of course, believed I could change them if I met the right guy. I want to share the lies I believed with you.

1. LIE: If a man really loved me, he would make me a priority in his life.
TRUTH: A woman’s top priority in life is her relationships. A man’s top priority is preserving his ego. Instead of wanting to be first in all of his life, if you are simply first in his relationships category, he really cares about you.

2. LIE: Men like to talk about relationships.
TRUTH: Most men were not socially conditioned to discuss feelings. What comes easy for you is not as easy for them. Don’t take it personally. Even a man who was raised by a single mom and is very sensitive, will never be as comfortable as you in these discussions.

3. LIE: If a man breaks up with me, I must be flawed and I have to fix myself to be perfect enough to be attractive to men.
TRUTH: There are so many reasons why men/women leave. Many times it is more about their baggage and fears than anything to do with you. People fit together like puzzle pieces based on their subconscious programming. If you are not a match, neither is good nor bad, just not the right fit. There is nothing to fix about you except your false self-perceptions.
4. LIE: When I find a man to love me, then my personal growth work is complete.
TRUTH: Your growth is never complete. Life is about growing and expanding, you are never done until you are dead.
5. LIE: When a man tells me how much he likes me, even though he doesn’t show it, I should believe him.
TRUTH: Men communicate with action. Pay more attention to what he does or does not do rather than he says.
6. LIE: If I have those butterflies when I think about him, it must be love.
TRUTH: Butterflies are fear/excitement rolled into one feeling. This can occur when your mate is unavailable creating the danger and excitement of the uncertainty. This feeling also comes up when you meet someone who is a true connection. You can’t use butterflies as a gauge for finding “the one.”
7. LIE: If I love him, then I should put up with bad behavior because he is my soul mate.
TRUTH: This is co-dependency at its best. You don’t love him; you love the idea of him. This is a fantasy love if he is mistreating you. Just because you think you love someone, doesn’t mean they are right for you.
8. LIE: Men don’t want to commit, so I need to please him sexually so he will stay with me.
TRUTH: If sex was all it took to make a man commit, the hookers would all be married by now.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Debi Berndt


Debi Berndt is the co-founder of CreativeLove.com, a personal development system for singles to stop fixing themselves and finally find true love. She works with her partner, Dr. Robert Maldonado (Psychologist). Their system was developed based on Carl Jung's work and influenced by Eastern Philosophy.  Debi is also the author of the bestselling book, LET LOVE IN. Get your free lecture and meditation - Why you are single and how to find love without fixing yourself here.

Location: Santa Monica, CA
Credentials: CHT
Other Articles/News by Debi Berndt:

How can I love myself when I am always being rejected?


You hear people tell you, “you have to love yourself first and then someone will love you.” I used to hate that phrase.  Sure, it makes sense, but how do you love yourself when you are constantly being rejected or discarded in dating? This common self-help quote didn’t help me much. I tried to love myself. I took confidence workshops ... Read more

Pop Your Comfort Bubble & Open Up To Love


Are you afraid of being alone and single? Do you wonder if the search for true love will ever be over? Do you obsess over the idea, "what if I never meet anyone?" Most singles say being alone scares them and they fear never meeting that special person. The unconscious mind, however, is always moving you away from what you fear and trying to keep you ... Read more

The Real Reason You Haven't Found Your Perfect Partner


Do you keep attracting the non-committal man or woman? You can see a pattern, but feel like the cause is outside of you. You blame your love problems on Match.com or the city that you live in or the men or women your age, but the reason you don't have your true partner isn't about any of those things. The answer for your loneliness is unconscious and, ... Read more

See More


Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Stories we love