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Looking For A Seriously Deep Love? Focus On The 5 C's Of Lasting Relationships

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how to build a strong relationship
Love

Commitment is tough, but this guide can make it easier.

As a therapist and life transition coach, I’ve worked with many couples struggling with relationship issues.

Most often, the issues revolve around ineffective communication, mistrust, the need for power and control, and the quest to be right.

In order to have a loving and thriving relationship, a couple needs to have a good energy flow and synergy.

But it can be hard for people to know where to start when creating this type of synergy with one another.

Especially if they're already facing relationship problems.

But the 5 C's can help, when used as a guide.

Each of these C’s is important, and will enhance all the others.

They also offer opportunities to improve the level of respect and trust, and boost the feeling of being valued, understood and supported in the relationship. 

Here are the 5 C's, and how they can help cultivate a loving and thriving relationship:

1. Chemistry

Chemistry is the natural and mutual flow between each other.

It’s not just about physical or sexual attraction.

A big part of chemistry is the desire to know more about other the person.

In this desire to know more, you are truthful with each other; being open, curious, accepting, and respectful ... even playful ... as you interact together. 

You acknowledge the connection and spark, and allow it to unfold with honesty, openness, and willingness. You are also mindful to the possibilities the relationship offers, while being patient and attentive to the process of coming together.

What to watch out for: Focusing too much on expectations and/or outcomes. This disrupts the natural flow, energy, and synergy between the two of you. 

 

2. Common goals

Goals give our lives meaning and value.

Developing shared direction and goals offers your relationship deeper meaning and connection.

Unconditional love and conscious relationships allow for individual goals and needs, but with an equal importance to the value of shared desires and goals.

What to watch out for: Be aware of not letting individual goals diminish common goals. 

Competing goals and directions create tension and conflict, and set you up for conditional love. 

The key is balancing the two. 

   

3. Commitment

A relationship commitment is the agreement to love, be open, accepting, and faithful to your partner.

The true intent of commitment is to create increased satisfaction, understanding, flexibility, connection and choice.

It is the conscious choice to put your energy toward the relationship, not just the “self.” 

Commitment is the willingness to give of the self, without losing the self in the commitment.

We choose to surrender to love.

In this way, surrender is not about losing or giving in/up. This type of surrender helps us gain or benefit much more than we would lose or need to give up.

Its intent is to compliment or enhance the self in relationship.

What to watch out for: Avoiding commitment, or surrender to love, because of fear. Committing can be difficult for some people, because it can take you out of your comfort zone.

The following list can be reasons why a person can be fearful, avoiding and struggling with commitment

  • You perceive and believe the personal “self” will be threatened or intimidated because of the commitment. 
  • If one perceives and believes that making a commitment is risky, and believes the sacrifice will result in losing more than will be gained. 
  • A perception and belief of loss of personal and/or professional freedom. 
  • If you need certainty, a commitment can seem like stepping into the unknown, creating uncertainty and a feeling of loss of control. 
  • Feeling of vulnerability, that my partner will discover my flaws and weakness, and not see me as good enough.
  • A damaging experience from a past relationship. Where either you or your partner was traumatized, taken advantage of, rejected, betrayed or humiliated.

4. Communication

There are times in a relationship when one partner (intentionally or not) says or does something and that impacts the other in a negative or hurtful way.

We can be triggered by this, and go emotionally unconscious; so we get reactive, defensive, or passive (which causes us to shut down).

When this happens, communication can get confusing, distorted, and misunderstood.

A big part of effective communication is to stay aware — to respond, not react, and to seek to understand the other.

That means listening and seeking to understand, and asking questions for clarification so you can increase understanding.

When you feel listened to and understood, you feel validated and valued.

True? 

Good communication enhances trust and connection.

It also leads to more effective problem-solving when conflict arises.

To make that easier, be as clear as you can in your expression of needs and intentions. Try speaking in terms of “I” not so much “You.”

What to watch out for: Another cause of poor communication is assuming or expecting someone to be able to read your mind. This only leads to misunderstanding, confusion, mistrust and conflict.

Good communication strikes a healthy balance with the goal/our intention and the relationship.

We often want to be heard more than to listen.

The biggest communication problem is that we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply.

If we focus more on our reply; we’re not focused and listening to the other person, so we won’t really understand them. We are more focused on them needing to understand us.

Also watch out for:  Times when you or your partner are too focused on the goal, because you will likely be more aggressive and demanding in the communication process.

If you are too concerned with the relationship (i.e. don’t want to hurt their feelings or cause conflict) you will likely be more passive and/or passive aggressive in your expression and actions of your needs. 

Neither the aggressive or passive communication style is healthy or productive.

The aggressive communication approach is you win/your partner loses. The passive approach is you lose/your partner wins.

Thus relationship cooperation and consensus becomes an ongoing challenge. 

 

5. Consensus

Consensus is the result of a conscious and unconditional relationship. 

It is about cooperation — seeking the win-win outcome.

Consensus keeps in mind the importance of both the goal and the relationship.

It allows for mutual opinions and different ways of being, through dialog, negotiation, and compromise. 

Consensus requires effective and respectful communication skills, flexibility, and openness to understand the others point of view; while expressing your own view.

It requires the ability and willingness to find the common ground. Honoring your individual differences and working with your similarities helps build consensus.

What to watch out for: Consensus can become a struggle to achieve if the need to have power over someone or to the need to be right is dominant. 

Shared responsibility and accountability are key to creating consensus. 

 

Relationships, like life, change, and situations happen that can impact any of these C’s in unproductive ways.

So being aware of how life situations can impact these C’s is vital, and that awareness is an act of love, caring and concern for the relationship — and for the two of you within it. 

 

Are you struggling with any of these 5 C’s in your relationship? Please contact David Schroeder, who offers life transition and relationship counseling and coaching session’s in-person, by phone or Skype. Visit his website at Transition Pathways. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength, a healthy and assertive way to help yourself and your relationship during difficult times. 

 

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