Last week, I posted an article about the 10 biggest mistakes women make in relationships, and I got a lot of very positive feedback on it. When I posted it, I promised to follow up with a version for the guys and interestingly enough, the lists are about as different as the genders themselves. We all have our own unique challenges related to the way we see and interact with the world around us. The good news is that a lot of it could be avoided if more people became conscious of the huge differences in how men and women navigate the world.
As a relationship coach, I can tell you there are so many ways that otherwise good people mess up intimate relationships. Believe me — I hear them all — but most of them fit into just a few key categories. For simplicity sake, I want to outline some of the most common ones to help guys get their girl and keep her. And the good news is, if you see yourself in some of these examples...it can be turned around if you want to make the effort. After all, if you're married, it sure beats losing half of your stuff, and it can very well make your life a lot more fulfilling in the long run. So here they are in no particular order:
1) You Don't Bring Her Presence
No, not that kind of presents. I'm talking about a gift of another kind. I'm talking about the same qualities that make YOU feel good. You know how it feels when you're grounded, centered and on top of your game? You're crystal clear on who you are and what you want. You say what you mean and you mean what you say. You stand firm and you're unwavering in the face of resistance. Sounds great, right? Well, as good as it feels to you, women who navigate by feminine energy love and crave that even more than you! It's hot, and it literally makes the ladies swoon when you hold that space. It makes them feel safe and protected because she trusts that you have what it takes to be her rock. By the same token, every time you act indecisive, fearful, uncertain, or all over the place, it breaks that connection and makes her lose attraction, untrusting, and even repulsed. This is a HUGE one, guys. It literally can make you...or break you.
2) You Don't Get Or Understand Women
Feminine energy navigates the world via emotion, so sometimes it may appear that she's all over the place: happy one minute and raging the next. You should know that description falls far, far short of the definition of "psycho." While that may be hard to understand when we masculine types navigate by logic and making sense, just trust me when I tell you that you'd do the same if you had her body chemistry.
When you understand that her emotions aren't irritating interruptions to your boring status quo, but instead a welcome diversion that actually livens up your world and brings you the best things in life like passion, fun and excitement, you'll see she actually makes your world better every single day. Face it — left to your own devices, you'd probably work too much and have a lot less to look forward to on a regular basis. Look at it this way: the masculine experience is kind of like a coloring book drawing: clear, simple, bold outlines that are fine standing alone on their own. However,they are totally lacking in tone, depth, dimension or color of any kind. But then the feminine energy brings all the colors of the rainbow to it and it becomes brighter, more vibrant and even radiant. Sure every now and then, the darker colors come out and they may even color outside the lines, but it does make life more interesting. Approach it this way and you'll have a whole new appreciation for all the gifts your lady can bring to your world.
3) You Might Actually Be Scared Of Her Or Intimidated By Her
I hate to even bring this one up, but some of you know it's true so let's just get it out of the way. Guys tend to want to be in control and the truth of the matter is...feminine energy is all about flow. Men can't really hold back the "flow" of the tides, and feminine energy can't effectively be controlled long-term either. Tougher guys than you have tried to control it but it doesn't work. A smart man knows how to channel that energy instead. Sometimes it's like a storm. It can be a perfectly beautiful day, and the next thing you know, the clouds appear, the skies get dark and all hell breaks loose. Rather than controlling it, you ride it out, respect it, and know it's all part of the cycle of life. There's no sunshine without rain; no happiness without grief; no black without white. The good news is that on the other side of the storm, the sun comes back out, and life is beautiful again.
4) You Made Something (Or Someone) Else More Important Than Her
Feminine energy responds to adoration and praise. She needs your attention and the presence we already talked about. A compliment and your conscious focus will light her up from the inside and you will get to bask in the glow of her beautiful feminine radiance. On the other hand, because masculine energy tends to be single-focused, targeted and and an inseparable part of who you are as a man...you will, on occasion, ignore her, overlook her and maybe even take her for granted while your attention is elsewhere. This is to be expected; especially when it comes to work and providing for her – but just know that like all things – it has to be balanced. Remember: any time you fail to make her feel special and put something or someone else ahead of her for an extended time...trouble is on the horizon. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
5) You're Oblivious To Her Feelings
Now that you know that feminine energy navigates the world via emotion, you'll need to learn to become consciously aware of how that works or you will struggle in relationships with women. Those are your choices so choose carefully. I hate to see someone lose half their stuff in order to get that lesson so believe me, it pays to get outside of your own self-absorbed viewpoint and be cognizant of how your partner is feeling.
Do you remember that "single-focused" aspect to men that we already discussed...especially when it comes to work? That's where a lot of the trouble starts in this area but it is a learned skill. By the way, notice I didn't say you had to "fix" her emotions. They don't need to be fixed — even though we all think we need to fix problems. You just have to notice them, acknowledge them, and ride them out with her while you support her. That's not so hard, right?
6) You Either Didn't Build Trust — Or You Broke It
This is an area where men struggle quite a bit due to several factors. We're logical while they're emotional so we tend to be way less committed, especially early on. By the same token, feminine energy tends to think she's in a "relationship" far sooner than men because she processes emotionally. That combination of logic and lack of early commitment often leads to men looking at other options rather quickly. Whatever mitigating factors may exist, the fact remains that trust is critical for a great relationship. Once it's compromised or even threatened, it is difficult for two parties to regain it. So whenever possible, I urge you to proceed in this area with caution.
7) You're Too Wishy-Washy And Made Her Feel Unsafe
This is the flip side of the presence I talked about in item number one. As intoxicating as a strong, present man can be, a wishy-washy guy who's all over the place can be positively repulsive. It's a huge turn-off and for good reason. Feminine energy's number one need at all costs is to feel "safe." She can't feel safe at all if she's with a spineless, jellyfish of a guy that she can push around. She may ACT like she wants to call the shots herself all the time the truth is, it is absolutely exhausting for a feminine woman to live in her masculine energy for that long. Do both of you a favor and step up into being the kind of man she can rely on to look after what's best for both of you. Trust me— if you do this, you'll both thank me for it.
8) You're Too Self-Absorbed
Masculine energy is heavily predisposed and wired to pursue his mission and achieve goals. He displays his value by his ability to solve problems and fix things. As a result, oftentimes, his needs are met on the most consistent basis through his work or career. In fact, one of the biggest red flags of a relationship in trouble is a man who spends a lot of time at work — not because he may be having an affair — but simply because his needs are being met primarily in the sphere of work and not in his relationship. As I said in mistake number four, any time you put work or anything else ahead of your relationship for an extended time, trouble is on the horizon. Honestly, if you're not willing to make the effort to manage your work/life balance, you're essentially being unfair to both a potential partner and yourself.
9) You Don't See The Value Of what she can bring to you
Usually when someone is far more interested in work, recreational activities or maybe even hobbies, for instance, the truth is they are simply living in alignment with their deepest values. Relationships—or at least the one you may be in at that moment —simply don't measure up to the payoff you're getting in other areas. People will always invest their energy where they feel they get the biggest payoff. A man who is inspired and supported in his mission by his woman will find a way to have both, but it's up to him to prove he has the bandwidth to support both. Guys, you can get all the promotions and raises you want—or land the huge deals that really get your heart pumping—but the question I have for you is...how rewarding is it really if you don't have someone special to celebrate your victories with at the end of the day?
10) You Don't Know What You Want Out Of Life Or You Don't Have Room For Her
It's my hope that after reading this article on the 10 mistakes men make, you'll start to focus less on old mistakes from the past, and instead focus more on the new information I've shared and how to turn it all around. The simplest answer is that if you've had more pain than joy from your relationships in the past, and it stands to reason that you wouldn't exactly be in a hurry to try again, but that's just the pain and fear talking. No matter what you decide, the reality is that your knowledge, awareness and efforts are creating the life you're leading, whether you like it or not. The truth is that we can all only get so far by ourselves. As you'll likely hear at many weddings, the beauty of marriage or relationships in general are that you get to multiply the joy in life and divide the pain when you meet the right one for you. Whatever decision you make, I support that as the right one for you at this time.
Guys, I hope this list not only makes sense to you, but also serves as an "a-ha" moment of sorts that can turn it all around for you in the area of relationships. You should know that a huge part of what I do in my mission is help women understand and work more effectively with men. The reason why is that I know the greatness that can be unleashed in a good man by a good woman who simply gets him and adores him. I know that inside the heart of every man lies the soul of a little boy who dreamed of one day being a hero. I also know that hero is alive and well inside of you right now. He's just waiting to be fully unleashed by an amazing woman who wants, needs, and deeply desires him. If I can help you create a relationship like that, I'd be honored to serve you. Just say the word.
NOW read the other side: The 10 Biggest Mistakes WOMEN Make In Relationships
More relationship coach advice on YourTango:
- 6 Surprising Secrets To A Happy Relationship
- Relationship In Limbo? Use The Breakup Formula [VIDEO]
- The Best Relationship Advice On YourTango