How Our Past Influences Our Present


Childhood abuse wound's us and can negatively affect our intimate relationships and sex life.

Each one of us carries our past emotional wounds. This wound can ooze and open when confronted with the energy of the same experience that brings up our lack of love. Every relationship or experience that brings up the same void in us can trigger us to shut down part of our heart, creating walls like armor. We are all energy and we can feel someone's anger suppressed or projected.  We can also feel people when they shut down  abandoning  us emotionally creating an uncomfortable experience in us of fear or self-doubt.  When we are negatively triggered our wound may respond and open. Our intimate love making can become the stage where self-doubt and negative feelings from childhood abuse can surface. 

Physical, emotional or sexual abuse leaves a memory or imprint in our bodies that creates deep scars. A client once told me that she remembers being picked up out of her bed and thrown across the room many nights as she was growing up. Another client as a young boy had deep wounds because he was sexually molested by priests. Other clients have come to me knowing that they were abused, but not remembering the details, only the feeling. We have all experienced, as children, the projection of shut-down or anger and remember how uncomfortable we felt.

 I know women as children, who were abandoned by their fathers, molested sexually by their grandfathers, and then emotionally and physically abandoned and betrayed by their husbands. Abandonment is a huge wound that could come from the memory of the cold, shut-down of a mother’s heart when she didn’t know how to feel her own love, show it or the unavailability of one or both parents.

Experiences of separation, feeling the void inside because of a death of a father or mother or the yearning for a relationship that we’ve never had are other examples of abandonment. Some people may look for love, peace and relationships their entire lives, without understanding what they are truly looking for.

Abuse on any level is emotionally painful. Many people do not realize that it existed in their past until they start attracting abuse in their adult life. The experience or relationship can be the pathway to healing. You can recognize it when you have attracted a partner who becomes violent or verbally abusive. This relationship is an opportunity to go deep within and find a way to stand up for yourself. To go beyond your fear of losing the love and not allow this abuse in your life so that you can show your children that it is not healthy.

There is a wonderful movie called Bliss, about a man and a woman who get married and he starts noticing that she is obsessed with cleaning the house.  Shortly after her daily behavior changes she tells him that she fakes her lovemaking. He is so confused because he believed that she was the most sexual being he knows and that they had a healthy sexual love life.

He starts feeling her shut-down and realizes something is wrong so he starts following her, thinking that she’s going to meet another man. The man turns out to be a sex therapist and the wife will not talk about it when he confronts her. So he meets the therapist and confronts him. The therapist explains to him that his wife has terrible abuse issues from childhood and the truth is that she really loves her husband, but her past is affecting her and she is shutting down emotionally and sexually. The wife was molested sexually as a child by her father and the childhood abuse was the root of many of her problems. The husband begs the therapist to teach him how to help her heal. The therapist says, “I will teach you how to love from your heart and not your penis.” The husband loves his wife so much that he changes his own perception and creates a safe place for her. He has personal sessions with the sex therapist each day as this wise teacher shares his wisdom.

The woman in the movie had a lot of suppressed anger and fear and you can see that she pretended to be the good little girl, not only for her father but also her husband's love. She cannot sustain it any longer and starts to behave in an insane way. This film has an amazing truthfulness and positive outcome.  The couples' deep love became the healing foundation for their future. Both the man and the woman had to look at their wounded childhood to heal.  It took alot of time, faith and patience as they worked through the darkness of her past.  He became a safe, sacred partner and their relationship became authentic and loving as she learned how to take care of her wounded self. 

Negatively charged people may take you to your lack of self-love and self-worth. Become aware and use the inner workout as you visualize your abuser and stay with your feelings, expressing them fully! This private exercise can help you connect with your feelings.

The Inner Workout Visualization Exercise....When you close your eyes visualize your past abuser or the person who makes you feel not good enough in the present...breathe into your emotions. Here in your private space you are safe to speak and release your negative emotions by saying, “No, I don’t want this in my life anymore! I don’t need your love or approval! I don’t need your abuse! I don’t need you to be the reminder of my void! I do not need to be abandoned!” Cut the emotional energetic cord from this person and let go. Breathe into the release of your self-doubt and anger. Remember all the love that you have and allow it to open your heart again. Forgive this soul if you can. LET GO!

You may never forgive the behavior, because no child should ever be put through abuse. No one should dishonor or disrespect you at any age. I do not know if we can fully heal the wound, but we can change our perception about ourself and feel the truth of the present. Give yourself gentleness and self-protection.

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