Forget trendy experiments to make you fall in love. THESE tips will help you find the REAL thing!
The recent New York Times article, "To Fall in Love, Do This," tells the story of psychologist Arthur Aron and his study from 20 years ago about how he made two people fall in love in his laboratory. The author of the Times article tried Dr. Aron's method by responding to Aron's 36 questions and then gazing into her date's eyes for 4 minutes. Turns out, she and her "partner in crime" fell in love and got married, just like the couple in the original experiment.
Why did this work for the writer? And more importantly, could this work for you, too?
As a dating coach for women, I'm going to say that it could potentially work. However, BOTH people must be open and willing to produce results. The article's author was lucky because the man she chose for this experiment was someone she knew, and he was up for pushing the envelope to see what happened.
Let's examine what's needed for falling in love in a more traditional way:
1. Meet plenty of prospects.
If you want to try the 36 questions, you need to meet a lot of men to find one willing to give this a shot. If you don't want to use Dr. Aron's method, you still need to meet lots of men because this is the only way to find a good match.
When I was looking for love, I dated 30 men in 15 months. That's how I found the man I'm happily married to (for nearly 15 years, I might add). I don't know how many potential dates you'll need; it could be fewer or more than 30, but there is only one way to find out.
2. Meet different types of men.
Many of my dating coaching clients only want to meet a certain type of man. Many seek men who are successful, sexy, super smart, funny, willing to travel, and so on. But, what about qualities like—knows how to cherish you, is relationship ready, or will talk things through calmly when issues arise? These are characteristics of a mate that has lasting power.
I'm not saying you need to settle for a man who is not successful, but please consider men who could be good match as well. Ultimately, for love to last you need a partner who will invest in a loving relationship with you.
In addition, if you always go for the same type of guy, it's time to realize that the parts you love will always come attached to the things that make the relationship not work. I call it "The Package Deal," and that is exactly why it's time to try a new type—one with better compatibility.
3. Be open and vulnerable.
In order to connect with a man and have a good heart connection, you'll need to share who you are openly, and be vulnerable. I'm not saying be a doormat or spill your guts. The 36 questions build on each other, and become more intimate with what's shared.
If you do this the traditional way, over several dates you will start to share more of who you are beneath the surface, and he will need to do the same.
4. Believe you will find love.
Without a firm belief that your efforts to find love will result in the relationship you dream of, you will not feel motivated to continue the search. Why bother if nothing is going to pan out?
If you don't believe, you won't be able to see this journey through. A willingness to persevere keeps you going and prevents you from spiraling downwards after a few bad dates.
5. Have confidence in yourself.
To quote Steve Harvey, as a woman, you need to know you are "the prize." Your self-worth cannot rest in the arms of another. No matter what, you have to know deep within that you are a wonderful, deserving woman who has every right to find love.
6. Natural attraction matters.
Let's be honest: a certain amount of attraction must exist between the two parties, no matter what qualities they possess. Without the attraction, answering questions or gazing into each other's eyes will not somehow transform into love.
Finding love is often a choice. How can I say that? Think about it this way:
- Will you take the steps to meet lots of men?
- Will you date other kinds of men besides just your type?
- Can you allow yourself to become vulnerable to find that heart connection?
- Do you have confidence in yourself, and if not, will you work to build it?
- Do you believe you can find love?
- Will you persevere until you find a partner?
If you answer yes and actually take the steps, chances are very strong you will be successful. Regardless of your romantic history, love is completely possible at any age. It's up to you.
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